Faith

When I was a newborn infant, my parents took me to the Lutheran church in Carbondale to be baptized. Ever since then my Christian faith has been an integral part of who I am.

Throughout my life there has been an ebb and flow in my faith life. I can grow complacent, never stepping away from God totally, but just kind of going along with my life, knowing He is there somewhere. Then there have been times, especially during serious illness and crises where I have been so near death and so totally unable even to pray due to my physical or emotional state, that I know He has, like the poem says--carried me--allowing me to go on.

I once had a friend tell me that she believes that we are either going forward in our faith or we are going backwards--that, as she says, there is no just standing still. After much contemplation, I now agree with her.

I find that being human, I need the Lord. That sounds simplistic enough, however there is so much to that statement, it would be difficult to even put into words how much I need the Lord. As always, however, hear I go, trying to put it into words, because words are so cathartic for me.

Just in recent weeks there have been so many things in my life to deal with, think about, allow my faith to carry me through, that I have once again learned that trusting in God when nothing makes sense is indeed the only way I continue on.

Springtime with all of its loveliness and hope turned into a challenging time I was not anticipating, beginning with the unexpected and very frightening experience of the sudden illness of my three-week-old grandson. Rushing him to the hospital through an unfamiliar city while his mommy and I prayed seemed like the longest ride of my life. Watching him have an IV started, blood draws taken and a spinal tap performed were events I had hoped I would never see on an infant, let alone on my grandchild. During those moments I thought I could not bear the pain and uncertainty of the situation. As God prevailed, the tiny child did not have a serious illness, and a couple of days in the hospital revealed only a minor, short-term problem. I lived through the event and my faith grew immensely.

Family visits, with many people arriving at once provided many loving moments and happy memories, but also some discord, that was totally unexpected. Feelings were hurt and communication shut down. I didn't think I could stand the pain I was feeling over the situation. I thought my heart would break. God, in all of His wisdom prevailed, and granted reconciliation and forgiveness and there is no joy quite like the joy that comes after one has been in such a dark place. He, and He alone provided the healing. I lived through the event and learned from it and my faith grew.

Heart concerns became an issue for me and for people I loved. We were facing potentially and scary unknown futures. My mother and I at one visit to the cardiologist were both given EKG's. Her heart was beating too fast and she was in atrial fibrillation. My heart rate was too slow with a pulse of 35, and the doctor said, "You both may need a pacemaker...and sooner rather than later." She had an angiogram unexpectedly and we both were given thirty day event monitors to help evaluate the situations. Medications were changed. My heart was breaking, and it was really breaking. I asked the Lord what He was thinking? Still with outcomes uncertain I cling to Him and follow my doctor's recommendation. I am living through the event, by grace, and my faith continues to grow.

Other health problems prevailed in my family--problems of another type which may be progressive. Oh, the uncertainty. At times I think I cannot stand it. Even though I like to avoid trite phrases, I am reminded that "one day at a time" is the only way I continue forward. To contemplate the potential future is mind-boggling otherwise. I am living and trusting today, and my faith continues to grow.

I was planning another surgery on another joint to help eliminate chronic pain. The day prior to the surgery I received a phone call that a wonderful Christian friend in my church had suffered a massive heart attack. My heart once again was breaking as I thought and prayed for him and his family. Questions I asked included, "Why Lord? How could you let this happen? Don't you know we all need our hearts if we want to keep on living? Don't you know that we have more work to do?" Well, as the days have passed, In spite of my doubting God's divine wisdom, miraculous healing is taking place for my friend. God has listened to so many prayers. My friend and his family are living through this event, and even though the road ahead is uncertain, I have no doubt that their faith continues to grow--for I know they are trusting the Lord just as I am.

So, I went in for a rather simple surgery compared to others I have had in the past, and the day could not have been more difficult. A simple anesthesia block was botched and the day became painful and frightening because a young resident did not know what she was doing and her attending physician thought it was fine teaching her to learn on me long past the time that the lesson should have stopped. "Now Lord, I had such a positive attitude going into this straight-forward procedure and it had to turn into another lesson in faith. Is there something I am just not getting that you are trying to teach me," I asked God. I am living through the healing process which seems more difficult than I expected, but I have no doubt that my faith is continuing to grow as my elbow continues to heal.

When I get in these life valleys or slumps, as I call them, I keep turning to God because, in fact, that is the only way that life makes sense. And even though my mind tells me that life really does not make sense, I keep going forward because I have faith that God is leading the way and is molding me into the person He needs me to be in the future. I believe that is what is called the peace that passes understanding. I believe that He knows me well and wants me to see that even slumps in life have a purpose. Forever they change me to be ready to help others. Without the hurts I would have no sympathy, little empathy and perhaps not even a word of compassion for other hurting souls He puts in my path.

Do you think that now, after this rocky spring and early summer, I am better prepared to help the next parent or grandparent who sees a sick infant through an emergency room crisis? Do you think I might be able to help someone in the midst of a family crisis, seeing them hurting when communication breaks down? Do you think I will have a heart for people with heart problems or others facing longterm health problems? Do you think I might be ready for the next surgery, armed with a little more knowledge of how to work with hospital staff to prevent a painful and negative experience--and maybe even be a better witness of my faith towards them?

Only God knows the answers to those questions. Only He knows if I will trust Him and use these events, along with numerous lessons before, for good, or if Iwill allow bitterness and anger to overwhelm me. He alone knows if I will perhaps remain closer to Him even when things are going well rather than gradually becoming complacent again.

I pray today that He will indeed help me take the path of hope, trust, compassion, love, and healing rather than the hopeless path of going it on my own. I pray that peace can now surround me in the midst of the remaining uncertainty. I pray that my faith is always going forward and never slipping backwards. I pray that as the remainder of the summer passes, He grants me peace and rest and happy, painfree times because I know He wants to give His children every good thing. I pray that I can rest in Him, because I am tired today.

I pray that you can rest in Him too.

His arms are big enough for us all.

Milestones

Birthdays, graduations, weddings--all milestones in the lives of individuals and in the lives of families.

This week is filled with milestones in our family. My youngest daughter is turning twenty. My middle daughter is celebrating her first wedding anniversary, and me, I am celebrating "I am no longer the mom of a teenager."

For twenty years now Mr. Jorie and I have been parenting teenagers. We survived, as did all four of our kids.

Yes, they all turned out very well--at least from this impartial mother's eyes. But there were moments. I thought of listing some of the most harrowing, but decided that a walk down that memory lane might be just a little too much for these wobbly legs of mine.

I can say that there were times I thought I could not take the teenage angst being demonstrated in so many ways. I did not like the uncertainty of not knowing when young emotions might erupt without notice. I worried at times and advised at times. I cried at times and listened at times. Patience-- all parents know about patience--I hoped I had it when I needed it. Wisdom--well, once again as all parents know--I hoped I had it every second of every day.

When I look back at the teenage years I walked with each of my four children, it is with a deep satisfaction of knowing that we walked the walk together. Mom, dad and growing, changing teen all together, day by day, meeting life head on.

As much as I believe in the importance of the first five years of life being integral in molding and making each person into the unique individual they will become, I also believe that those years from 13 to 20 complete the process. I am happy and deeply satisfied to have been an integral part of that process for my four.

Gladly celebrating my milestone this week, I breathe a sigh of relief and thank the Lord for seeing my through. I am grateful for how much I have grown through the process, and most grateful for the high honor God entrusted me with--when He presented me with four little souls to raise and to guide and to love forever (even through those teenage years.)

Isn't life grand! Isn't God good!

Sheets

There it is...

...a pile of sheets and blankets waiting to be washed.

A rather huge pile of laundry is sitting in front of my washer and dryer.

Why in the world you ask would I write about a pile of dirty sheets?

The significance of the colorful pile is found in the fact that it reminds me that my family was here. All of the beds, which are usually empty, were filled for a few days. Even a small crib was used for the first time on this recent visit.

The children I raised were all home, together, under one roof. Along with these four were a son-in-law, two grandchildren, two brothers, a sister-in-law, a great grandma and one special auntie. No, I do not have beds for all of these special people, but all were gathered in under our roof....along with me and Mr. Jorie for a few days in June.

Father's Day, a birthday, reunion meals, trips to the airport and rocking a new baby were just some of the highlights.

Stories were shared, times were remembered, photos were taken, jokes were told and opinions were voiced....

....and while fixing the meals and setting the table, I prayed. While sweeping the deck and watering the flowers, I prayed. While listening to each adult child express themself, I prayed. While playing with a four-year-old and singing lullabies to a tiny boy, I prayed. When lying down, exhausted each night, I prayed. When rising each morning, I prayed.

....and you ask....what was the prayer I prayed?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Through Christ,

Above all else...

the words, the differences, the hugs, the beliefs, the listening, the concerns, the smiles, the anger, the independence, the joy, the defending, the giving and the taking, the coming together and the going away

...may love reign.

Amen

As I complete load after load of laundry, and smell the clean sheets and shake them as I pull them out of the dryer, I look ahead to the time that the beds will be filled again. All is fresh and new.

I will continue my "mother's prayer" knowing in faith that it will always be answered.

Oh yes, I know for sure that it will be.
For you see, I serve a God of love who never fails

Birth

My daughter is a mother.

I witnessed the birth just six days ago.

I witnessed the miracle of a child, my grandchild, entering the world.

I witnessed my daughter examining, adoring and loving her son.

Awe surrounded us all.

I gave thanks.

From the bottom of my heart, I gave praise to the Lord...

for her son,

for my grandson,

and for God's son.

Unfathomable joy fills her heart.

Joy, so great, fills my heart too.

Our family circle has grown at the coming of one tiny boy.

My daughter is a mother.

Her life will never be the same.

Travel

A family trip to Florida was necessitated at the death of my father-in-law. The six of us arrived at Midway airport in Chicago--Me, Mr. Jorie, Daughter #One, and her child Elli, Daughter # Three, and Auntie, my husband's aunt.

The trip was unexpected but we had traveled many times before and had flown in and out of Orlando on numerous occasions. We would only be away for four nights. It was decided that we would not bother to check our luggage.

It seemed logical not to spend the extra $15.00 per bag to check our luggage. It seemed logical not to have to wait to collect our luggage once we arrived. Somewhere in the foggy recesses of our sixty-one-year-old brains, Mr. Jorie and I thought the luggage decision was a good and practical one, and would expedite our travel time and save a few cents as well.

Taking a closer look at the travelers, one might question the ease of travel this decision would make.

Traveler # One: Mr. Jorie --A tall, large, affable man with both knees replaced and a high risk of falling due to balance issues. He has a tendency to think that he can do anything, but does indeed carry his weight when it comes to moving luggage from point A to point B. He also thinks that it is "cute" to engage each and every security officer in both airports as to how they like the color of their new shirts.

Traveler # Two: Me--Having endured five hip surgeries, my replaced hip is, needless to say, very weak and my gait is often unsteady. Having endured nearly a dozen wrist and hand surgeries, my upper body strength is certainly challenged. My wrist, with the total joint replacement, is painful even when minimally taxed. I am a happy traveler but quite limited in my usefulness.

Traveler # Three: Auntie--Dear and sweet, Auntie in her early eighties traveled through the airport in a borrowed wheelchair. She too has an artificial joint--her hip. She was truly a joy to travel with, however she could only carry what would fit on her lap. (I must admit at times though, we could hardly find her once we stacked so many things on top of her.)

Traveler # Four: Four-year-old Elli--As lively as could be, Elli pulled her little suitcase and darted here and there as we maneuvered our way down the concourse. Of course she was far too small to carry her carseat (a toddler model which separated, whether you wanted it to or not, into two bulky pieces.)



That left Travelers # Five and # Six--Two able-bodied young women, put into service by default, completed our party. Patience, strength and perseverance (mixed with a little wit and sarcasm) had to be their travel mottos.




We began our trip by driving to the airport and parking in the remote parking lot to save a few bucks. Loading all of our travel luggage and personal items into the shuttle bus, our trip began.



We managed to acquire our boarding passes with just a little help from the airline personnel. Proceeding to security, we braced ourselves. With a toddler and three joint replacement (ie. "Metal in Body") travelers, my two daughters prepared to collect ALL of the bags as they rolled through the screening area.



Just a side note: Every traveler wants to get through security as fast as possible. Many people believe that those in wheelchairs should have no advantage over themselves. Many travelers believe that the family of those wheelchair travelers should have to wait in the "regular lines" (and are willing to say so) even though their family members truly need their help. Travel does not always bring out the best in folks.



As everyone knows, each air traveler is allowed two carry-on items. Well, with the purses, the carseat, the lunches and jackets....and oh, did I tell you that Mr. Jorie and Auntie each carried their C-PAP breathing machines along with them as well....we seemed to have an endless number of carry-on items in addition to the legal twelve allowed the six of us.



As everyone also knows, one must remove jackets, shoes, belts, keys, cell phones, etc. from one's person, and place such items into bins to be inspected. Laptops must also have their own bins. I believe we had two of those as well. Not only then were there bins of carry-ons, but also numerous bins with the above mentioned items as well.



As every air traveler also knows each person is allowed three 3 oz. bottles/tubes of liquids in a one quart ziplock bag. We got a little mixed up on this one and ended up being forced by a security agent to discard two expensive tubes of hair product, which were well over the 3 oz. size. (So much for trying to save a few bucks by carrying on all of our possessions.)



Mr. Jorie and I are used to the scrutiny required as we, along with Auntie, were individually searched in the "special search area." I tried to keep an eye on Elli as my two daughters gathered bin after bin after bin of our carry-on possessions. Making it through security with all of our belongings seemed like the hardest part of the trip, although we continued to face challenges. We finally proceeded to the gate.



Upon boarding I was challenged to incorporate two of my bags into one. "Don't you know that you are only allowed two carry-ons?" quipped the attendant. I tried to oblige...and also convince my hands that I could accomplish the task...while standing in line....while all those behind me waited. Daughter # One loudly reminded the attendant that the four-year-old was only carrying one bag, so one of mine could count for hers.



Managing to make it on to the plane (while Mr. Jorie chatted with three more security agents standing at the entrance to the aircraft--about the color of their shirts), our next task was to find overhead spots for all of our belongings. Other travelers watched our efforts and I actually believe that our entourage created a comic diversion for many.



Upon arriving in Orlando, we all trekked through the airport, onto the shuttle train, up and down elevators and finally to the parking garage to pick up our rental mini-van. A sigh of relief was breathed by all once the van was loaded up and we each could finally sit down and relax for our hour drive to the home of my in-laws.


The time spent in Florida was meaningful and even relaxing.


Four days later Mr. Jorie and I, along with our 61-year-old brains--still apparently foggy, decided that since we did not check our bags on the trip down to Florida, there was absolutely no reason to check our bags on the way home. Gluttons for punishment we willingly repeated the entire process in reverse, and traveled home to the Windy City with all of our bags in tow.



I have personally vowed that in the future I will always check as many bags as possible during any future trips, although I don't believe that Mr. Jorie totally agrees.



Thanks goes out to my two able-bodied girls who made the trip possible. I suppose when all is said and done, all of the smiles and laughs along the way made what could have been a difficult trip just a little easier to endure.



It is so good to travel though life together with the ones we love---and oh how wonderful it is for them to be able to help carry the load when help is needed.

Pride

Excitement, bringing out the child in me, brightened the cool November evening as my husband and I found ourselves taking our four-year-old granddaughter to the Ringling Brothers circus at the United Center. The pre-show was exciting as families streamed into the arena with popcorn, sno-cones or cotton candy in hand. As I waited for the show to begin, I thought to myself, "What could be more American than the excitement that ensues when the circus comes to town?"


At last, the ringmaster entered the center ring and asked the audience to stand to sing the national anthem. The three of us stood, and Elli observed her Bampa and Gwamma sing while most of the folks around us remained seated. As I glanced about, I was truly in shock. This melting pot called Chicago...who had just days before had the great opportunity to vote...who could now watch a peaceful transfer of power...who enjoy the fruits of freedom in their lives that this country offers...who know that young Americans are in foreign lands laying their lives on the line...who are blessed to have the means to bring their children to this venue...this melting pot of folks chose not to stand up and sing OUR National Anthem.


The show was amazing. Our granddaughter loved it and we loved watching her. I left, however, feeling just a bit saddened and disillusioned. The Greatest Show on Earth had concluded, and the crowds who live in The Greatest Country on Earth departed. Their children, having the privilege of one day becoming president, had watched their parents and grandparents, who did not stand up--

--an opportunity lost forever.

Willingness

My friend Ron is in the lawn chair. 1981

Friends are the people in our lives whom we choose to love.

The love between us is unconditional.

A true friend understands the essence of what makes us who we are.

Speaking and listening between friends is comfortable and safe.

I was suffering through my third miscarriage. When I say suffering, I mean the emotional pain of glad expectation, lost in a heartbeat. My friend and his wife were visiting us to give their love and support.

I was indeed having a pity party as we set in the family room together, when I sadly exclaimed, "I will never be the same again."

Thoughtfully Ron asked me, "Do you think that's all bad?"

I pondered his response, which was given in love.

I was stunned. Then my soul quieted.

I was rescued from my grief by one perfect simple question.

I was reminded once again to rest in God when nothing made sense.

In time I realized that my losses would prepare me to reach out to others who were in need.

No, I will never be the same. I believed it in 1982 and I believe it today.

Unexpected change can be a very good thing, if we can pull ourselves out of the darkness that life can send, into the real world again.

I'm glad that we never stop growing.