Tomorrow will be a good day! It will be the culmination of all those waiting days. In a sense it is the fulfilment of four years of concern and pain and doctor visits and procedures and tests and finally me saying yes to a surgery that really scares me.
Time is so interesting! Since August 3rd, when the pain could not be controlled I knew I would have to say yes to the surgery I was scheduled for two years ago. I had put it off as long as I could. Since August 16th, I have known the specific date the spinal fusion would be performed. And from that day until now time has mysteriously taken on a new character.
Minutes slowed and then of course hours slowed. I tried to continue being with the people I love and enjoy activities we did together to the extent the pain would allow me. But in those in between hours, time just seemed to suspend itself. Counting the weeks and then days until surgery became second nature. Today I am counting the hours. I'm helpless to the power of time.
Then of course, without fail, worry came to visit during those long suspended minutes and hours. Practical knowledge did little to balance the "what ifs".
Tomorrow will come and then I will know the outcome of the surgery. Then the post-op days will reveal successful healing without complications or they will reveal something worse. I have always been a realist.
I am also a Christian and so I stand today facing the future that only God knows and in this hour I will rest in the loving arms of my Savior and give my emotions a little break before they truly break me. I know that no matter what happens, He will have my back...and I mean that literally!
Thanks to each of the encouragers I have in my life. Thanks to all of the positive thinkers. Thanks to all of the doers of kind acts and the speakers of kind words. Thanks to all of the folks who say, "I'm thinking of you." Thanks to the pray-ers like Delores who I just met yesterday and to all of you I have known for much longer. Thanks to a confident and compassionate surgeon.
Time dragging. Worry creeping. Pain teaching. Love pouring. God reaching.
Life is so precious. Maybe time suspended itself so I could appreciate it even more. Maybe pain appeared so I could appreciate the moments it is gone. Yes, tomorrow will be a good day!
Reacting to a phone call from my mother, I jumped into the car. It actually was just another one of the phone calls we have received with some regularity notifying us that she was in the Emergency Room. Very independent at age 94, she said, "I am in the ER because I fell. I didn't want to bother you but they told me I should call someone." It was my grandson's first birthday and our family was excited about his party just three days away.
Not knowing what to expect, I entered her ER room to find her in good spirits as usual. Lying on a cot, she was in a great deal of back pain. She told me that she had turned and taken just a couple steps away from her walker to grab something from the table. I groaned inwardly as I had told her many times not to do that.
That's the facts of what changed the rest of my mother's life and my first reaction was anger at her for doing something I didn't think she should have done.
Six weeks have transpired since that day. Details could fill pages so I will only present highlights:
An ER doctor suggesting I should take my mother home when she could not even sit up.
ER scans that didn't include the injured area.
A week of severe disabling pain passing before further testing was done.
The diagnosis of a compression fracture following a terribly painful ordeal of a test.
The promise of the surgical procedure providing immediate relief.
Hospital and nursing home staff that are amazing and those who are just the opposite.
Pain, phone calls, family visits, money concerns, social workers, Angst.
Moving into a nursing home twice.
Falling in a nursing home when the CNA walks away.
Knowing the best outcome is leaving independent living and moving to assisted living.
Challenging a facility for their neglect.
Closing out my mother's apartment without her there.
Sorting through so much stuff and wondering why things were so important.
Losing mobility and strength and imagining life forever changed.
Hmm, guess there were a lot of highlights! My mother lived through that and so much more! I lived through that and so much more!
Oh, when did this life crisis become about me? Apparently it has taken six weeks to realize that even though my emotions have been on a roller coaster and I am physically exhausted, my life will go on pretty much the same. It is my 94 year old mother who lost her cherished independence, went through day after day of excruciating pain, and came out looking at an uncertain future.
Six long, demanding weeks for me to realize what my mother truly needs. She did need me and my siblings to step up to the plate and help make hard decisions. She needed me to be a liaison when talking to medical staff at several times and several places. Her ears don't work well anymore so she needed me to listen and explain what she could not hear. She needed me to listen when she was in pain or frustrated. She needed me to be her daughter. Some days I was good at giving and some days my emotions or my own pain or fatigue seemed to get in the way.
What a journey this has been!
Maybe this time has been a time for reflecting also. Who could begin to count what my mother has given me? How were things during my first few weeks of life for my mother? Do you suppose she gave and gave until she was exhausted? Perhaps her emotions were on a roller coaster then. She had so much to do just to keep a household together and care for her two small children. Do you think she always had someone to listen to her? Was she ever frustrated? Perhaps I could have been a better daughter now for I know she was a good mother then. Maybe I still have some things to learn.
Fortunately life goes on for both my mother and me. I hope we have learned from this hard time and go forward even stronger.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring? I hope whoever needs me, I will be ready.
Almost twelve years have gone by since I became a grandmother. My Elli girl will celebrate her birthday in just three weeks. I remember the day she was born as if it were yesterday. My joy at her arrival was almost surreal. The next generation had become a reality and I took my rightful place as her happy, fulfilled and involved grandma.
Always having loved babies and young children it was an easy and joy-filled transition to grandmotherhood. In fact my life path had led to this moment. It had included teaching first grade, operating a home daycare and raising four children of my own. Elli and I bonded immediately as this beautiful blue-eyed baby girl stole my heart. Fortunately for me, she has not yet reached that time in life where spending time with grandma isn't cool. She still loves our times together and maybe will never go through a stage where she doesn't. For now I bask in that sweet place she always sees me in and relish each conversation and activity we find ourselves in together.
Almost five years passed before another special child came into my life. Elijah's birth, which I attended, was another incredible life moment. My first grandson had entered the world and I was right there to greet him! Now a sometimes serious, sometimes silly seven-year-old, he too still loves time with grandma. Unfortunately we don't live near each other anymore but nonetheless our bond is beautiful and time together is cherished and always mutually enjoyed.
Then came the years where babies abounded! One after another in quick succession each of our four children produced offspring. Less than two years apart Elisha and Elizabeth arrived to make Elijah a big brother. Between those births, Megan made Elli a big sister. Also during this time came the firstborn sons of our oldest and youngest children. Michael and Wesley entered our lives and hearts. Each birth was so special. I attended the births of Megan and Wesley and in awe counted my blessings while seeing each of my daughters give birth.
Not only did the babies come quickly during the past four years, but each one, beautiful and unique stole their grandma's heart. Now seven little darlings call me their grandma and I am over the moon happy to be there for each one. I cherish these children. They are so very precious. I delight in them. And yes, whether they live near or far away, I love them more than I could have ever imagined.
Each individual, unique in all the world. Their little personalities shining through to delight this grandma and grandpa and their parents, our children. I wonder what each child will become. What will they see in their lifetime? What will be their gifts to the world? Who are the people each of these children will touch and influence? It's truly amazing to ponder the potential and impact they may have.
About ten days ago we were informed that another little baby is on the way into our lives. Our eighth grandchild is due to arrive in January. Wow, when this child arrives, we will have six grandchildren ages four and under! Unbelievable! Another soul in the universe who in some sense belongs to us. Awesome! Amazing! Incredible! Such a blessing for hubby and me and for all the world!
I was asked by one of my children recently which grandchild would be my favorite. Wow, that answer was so easy. This grandma's heart has no favorites. My love is boundless and free-flowing to each precious child. Could I begin to compare blue eyes to brown eyes, or black curly hair to blond locks? Never, for each is as beautiful as I ever could have imagined children could be. Could I compare cleverness and cuteness? Impossible, for each little person carries many traits that this grandma finds amazing, unpredictable and darling. I can say that I truly delight in each of the seven children that came into my life like beautiful gifts. Like jewels on a necklace, each as precious as the next. No, there are no favorites in this heart. Be assured dear children of mine, that no matter how many grandchildren you provide me with, they will all be cherished and loved unconditionally by this grandma. That's the way love is. But of course, you already knew that.
Hubby and I will soon celebrate 46 years of marriage. As a young and happy bride I never could have imagined where our love would take us. The journey we have walked together has had a few bumps but mostly has been blessed in so many ways. Love for each other blossomed into love for our four beautiful children and the spouses they have chosen. And now love, with an energy all of it's own, blossoms again as each baby is added to our family.
And so now the bud of joy and anticipation, filled with love, waits once again for January to arrive when God will bless us with another child who will be special in all of the world to this grandma. I pray for the safe development and arrival of this child. I pray also for: #1, #1, #1, #1, #1, #1 and #1 who I have already cherished since the day each was born. Yes, of course, every child is #1 in my heart and nothing will ever change the depth of my love for each of them and for each of their parents.
Filled with love, I hold little hands whenever I can. Every day I hold eight little hearts in my heart. Precious grandchildren of mine always know your grandma finds joy each day because you are in my life.
Don't call me Honey. Don't call me Sweetheart. Unless you are a member of my family please don't call me this type of name. Now you ask, who calls you names like that and I tell you I am speaking about members of the medical profession. For some unknown reason, I am more and more frequently called such personal names by people I don't know and I'm tired of it.
Today as a first-time patient in an infusion center in my local hospital I was approached by a nurse who was not much younger than myself who said, "How are you today Honey?" I almost corrected her, but thought that would only set us off on the wrong foot so I kept silent. Instead I fumed silently. Her over-familiarity served only to put me on edge and so my blog gets to hear my complaints tonight.
When a stranger calls me Sweetheart or Honey or any such name, it makes me feel old and it makes me feel like a child all at the same time. Actually, I would much prefer to be called by my name and treated like a fully competent adult. These names do not serve to put me at ease or make the medical procedure I am facing any easier.
So to all you dear friends who work in the medical profession I appreciate immensely the work you do. However, please think twice before you use familiar names with people you don't know. Or at least, think twice before you use them with me.
Okay, I feel better now!
The sun suddenly left the sky on that bright summer day as I answered my phone while sitting in my parked car. The joy in my heart of an outing with my daughter and her new baby was replaced with dread. For you see as the wee infant sat suckling next to me on one of our first shopping trips, my friend had called. She wanted me to know that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. "I'm so so sorry", the words came from my lips, but nothing I could say mattered. Her world had changed, and because I love her, mine had too.
All the good times we had shared for over forty years came tumbling through my heart and mind as I tried to listen to the facts she needed to tell me. So many things had brought us to this moment in time. Raising children, birthdays and weddings and now grandbabies...yes, the thoughts came. The friendship of our husbands and their shared workplace dramas...yes, the thoughts came. Eating meals and playing games and endless laughter and listening and remembering details...yes, the thoughts came. Illnesses and surgeries and things in the medical world that just hadn't gone right for both of us...yes, the thoughts came. The moment my friend told me her news, my heart broke just a bit.
And as is her way, she had even delayed giving me her news. She would have called the week before but she did not want to disturb my family reunion. Yes, that's the kind of friend she is. That caring more about someone else than herself kind of friend...
"Life just isn't fair." "Everything happens for a reason." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Well, well, well...none of these commonly heard phrases seemed to mean a thing in that moment. For all I wanted was for my friend to be well and to be my friend for the rest of my life.
In the days that have passed, life has gone on the way life does. Surgery has been endured for her and recovery has begun. And soon additional treatments will begin for my friend as she enters the door of the oncologist office. Healing will continue I pray.
And so my thoughts each day go out to you my dear dear friend...good and healing thoughts, along with prayers for strength and patience and wisdom and hope. May you find joyful little times in your day when you least expect to find them. May the strength you have always had be continually present so you can draw on it. May you be able to laugh at things that you would typically cry over. May your garden be a place to gather yourself and also simply relax in beauty. May your grandsons be a continual source of wonderment and pride. May any fears be fleeting. May your family and friends know just what to say and do to make you feel loved and not burdened. May you persevere as the treatments you need heal your body. May giggles bubble up from some unknown place just to surprise you. May you find that spiritual source of all goodness to carry you through in the hard moments. And may the sunshine and joy that were stripped from you the moment you heard the word cancer, be fully restored in ways you never could have imagined.
Yes, I am sorry that you are in this place, but know that I am here for you in any way you need me to be here for you. My heart is in this place with you. In gratitude and in love and hope, I'm glad that we are friends.
Love came round one foggy night in May and brought a beautiful baby boy into my world. Just look at that little face! I took the photo while holding him for the very first time and still find so much joy remembering that night...the night I met Wesley Paul, my seventh grandchild.
The first child of my youngest daughter was welcomed by so many family members. Family on both sides eagerly celebrated the announcement of his anticipated birth, shortly after his parent's cruise vacation. We all celebrated the announcement that the child was male and then a few weeks later we celebrated when we knew the name his parents had selected for him. Two beautiful baby showers provided more diapers and clothing than one child could ever use. Nine months of wishing and hoping and praying that all would go well when the time came for his birth were spent in eager anticipation.
The weeks prior to his birth found Hubby and me in the midst of a major life change. Having sold our Florida home, packed up all of our belongings, we headed home to Illinois to begin a major remodeling project. It was a stressful time of our own doing but it became a special time also for us to spend with our daughter, Wesley's almost full-term mommy. The days came and went and a lot of quality moments remain in our hearts in spite of the physical chaos around us. The day prior to his birth, the three of us put together a fireplace cabinet. The pregnant mommy and her dad worked together to accomplish the task while I read the directions. It was one of those moments we will undoubtedly always remember.
My daughter had asked me to be present at the birth of her child. I was overwhelmingly grateful for this opportunity and will forever cherish that day in May when I was present to witness the glorious natural unmedicated childbirth of this precious healthy baby boy.
The day began with me driving my girl through rainy rush hour traffic to a scheduled prenatal visit at her midwife's office typically one hour away. On this day, it took over two hours due to congested Chicago traffic. Every five minutes, on the 5's and on the 0's, Wesley's mommy had a contraction. It was an exciting drive as I was sure she was in actual labor. Once at the office we received the anticipated news that she was dilated to four centimeters. We were told to go get lunch and walk at the mall and so we did.
Amazingly the world kept spinning and shoppers kept shopping as we walked around the suburban mall fully aware that the birth of our darling child was imminent. The intensity of my daughter's contractions increased and after Wesley's daddy arrived the three of us continued our vigil. No doubt we garnered a bit of attention from other mall-goers. By mid-afternoon it was decided that we should head to the hospital, probably much to the relief of mall security.
The hours from three to eleven thirty, when Wesley was born, will always seem like a special dream to me. I witnessed the beauty of normal healthy labor managed by a husband and wife, devoted to each other and the path of natural childbirth they had chosen. It was amazing and beautiful to witness and will always remain as a highlight of my life. To Wesley's mommy and daddy, I say thank you for allowing me to share in this sacred time. You were awesome together in bringing your child into the world!
Since that day, eight weeks ago, we have shared much more. The early home from the hospital days seem a blur as decisions were made and new parents became "hands on" parents. Extended family have come and gone for a family reunion. Breastfeeding and walks in the stroller are becoming routine as the new little family of three learns about all the give and take of welcoming a new tiny member into their household.
This grandma, in spite of all that's going on in my personal life, basks in the beauty and fullness of the circle of life. Each child, an extension of the families from which it comes, adds so much to the world. Bringing the heritage and legacy of his ancestors, he faces the world and with the loving help and guidance of his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles he becomes the person he is meant to be.
And so I look forward with joy and anticipation to see what Wesley Paul will become in this world and I pray that life will be loving and gentle to him now when he is so small. I also pray for the world that it will become more loving and gentle as well. Blessings little boy as you grow and learn. I hope you always know that Grandma's arms will be open and waiting for you.
Nameless Teddy, Elkie and Michael's blue hat sat on my steps one day not so long ago. I snapped the photo as it reminded me that a special child was abiding in my house and I wanted to remember our time together.
Days passed by so very quickly during his visit. There was so much activity as Michael and his mommy and daddy (my son) came and went and most of all, shared themselves with us. Great conversations flowed, advice was given and received, laughter and thoughts were shared as we joined together for our annual coming together. Other family members also rekindled relationships as children and adults gathered for a long-planned family reunion. The newest member of the family, Mr. W., just weeks old, took center stage as we once again gathered around the table and opened our hearts to each other.
Michael, owner of the items pictured above, became the center of my world during the time that he was here. Almost three, beautiful and smart, I embraced the amazing child he had become. I found joy in his every action. His little voice and remarkable language skills added so much to my life. I enjoyed watching him play and loved playing with him. I loved having him fall asleep on my lap. I enjoyed being reminded of his daddy at this age. His every wish was my command. Yes, of course, I spoiled him and loved him every single minute he was in my house.
I've been reflective since Michael and his mommy and daddy left. But, I cherish the time we had together and look forward to the continued love we will share through the years ahead. I know I will feel their love time and time again as we skype and make plans for future visits and maybe even adventures together. I feel their love whenever I think of them and I believe they feel the same about me. In my goodbye to them there was hope, knowing our separation was only temporary.
Love is so amazing, so profound. It allows us to experience and understand every other emotion. Love reflects love. It is the presence of all good things and in that, it allows us to understand why we need each other. Love is the reason my goodbye to Michael hurt so much. It is the price I pay to have him and every other person I care about in my life. The fullness of love is complete only when we realize the price we pay to willingly open ourselves to all the goodbyes in life.
I know too that a little boy living in a faraway country has just a little bit of his grandma in him as he goes about his busy day. I know also that this grandma has a little different and fuller look at life because she carries new memories of this little boy in her heart. Our love transcends time and space. And I'm oh so glad for that.
Towards the end of our visit when I told Michael I would be so sad to see him go that I might even cry, he told me repeatedly, "Don't be sad Grandma. Don't cry. Be happy Grandma".
And so the time came that we drove to the airport and said our goodbyes. I am trying to be happy now Michael. Thank you for being you and for coming for a visit. Thank you for your words of encouragement and for loving me.
