Life

Little did I know what enlightenment would result from yet another unexpected, horrendous medical emergency.  Little did I know how much I could learn about life--even at my age!

Eight years of hip problems did not prepare me for the events of Wednesday, May 19.  The hip, originally replaced due to arthritis, had been nothing but a nightmare ever since the beginning.  A fracture and dislocation occuring three days following surgery, set up a situation that would lead to years of hip dislocations, hip revisions and ultimately, a staph infection and a year of antibiotic treatment.  Amazingly, in spite of lots of bone loss and muscle deterioration, I was still able to walk unaided.

For the past five years my hip had been fine--until Wednesday morning when I stood up and suddently my right leg compressed, seeming three inches shorter.  I was later to find out that the hip prosthesis had broken.  The instant it happened, I realized that I faced  surgery, a hip brace, disability, pain, bedpans, hospitalization, therapy, loss of dignity and months of recovery.  In an instant my life had changed, and I was fully aware of all the implications as I phoned my daughter to call 911.

Once something happens you just go through it.  There is no other option.  I was facing transportation to the big city hospital and trusting a doctor I had never met, as the surgeon who knew me well was on his honeymoon.  Arriving at the hospital, I was presented with four major complicating aspects to my needed surgery. Issues concerning risks and potential complications were laid out.  I listened increduously.

I endured the pain of the fracture from 8:00 AM on Wednesday until blissful anesthesia at the time of surgery at 1:00 PM on Thursday.  During that time I also endured two ambulance rides, hours lying in the ER before transport,  two hours of x-rays in the middle of the night, an echocardiogram of my heart and the placement of a filter near my heart to prevent blood clots reaching my lungs.

Following surgery, I experienced chest pain and was then placed in the telemetry unit of the hospital with nursing staff who apparently knew very little about post-op orthopedic patients.  My care left much to be desired.  After several days, I was transferred to my local hospital for rehabiliatation.  I face an extended recovery and rehabilitation and life-long hip precautions, limiting movement and activity.

That's a synopsis of the facts.  But the enlightenment I experienced a few days ago is the truly amazing part of my story.  I actually feel as if I see life in a new way now.  In spite of all that has happened, I am happy.  I am content.

On my first day of therapy, the thought crossed my mind, that maybe by the end of summer I would have my life back.  Like inspiration from above however, the immediate thought that then entered my mind was "This is my life" right here and right now.  As I state it now, it sounds so obvious, but I believe it has taken me 62 + years to figure this out.

I think all of my life I have lived in anticipation of that perfect time---that perfect life---that is just around the corner.  When I was a teenager I thought that my life would be perfect once I found a husband.  Then I thought life would be perfect and fulfilled once I had children.  Always for me, I imagined that my life would be just great once I lost weight and got down to a normal size.  Thinking back, there has always been that waiting for life to be......  In the more recent years when I have lived through over thirty surgeries and hospitalizations, I would always yearn for life to be "back to normal."  I always felt that only then could I get on with my life. 

This week, on the first day of therapy, I was blessed beyond imagination to realize that this is my life today.  Life is in the here and now.  My life today consists of lying in a hospital bed and not moving from that bed without assistance.  It means having other people care for my every need.  My life today has pain as a companion and the hard physical work of therapy.  My life today has phone calls and cards and visits from people who love me.  Life in the here and now offers interactions with numerous people--family, friends, patients and staff with whom to relate.  My life is today.  No matter what is happening, this is my life.

To wait and anticipate life when I can walk again, or when I am home again, or when I can go on vacation, or when my husband retires, or when everything is in order seems to me now to be missing out on the true gift I have each day.  I will never waste the gift again, thinking of the future and placing all bets for happiness and contentment there in some mythical life. 

The peace I have found since my enlightenment includes freedom from worry.  If I am living my life today, all I have to do today is enjoy and appreciate the day and the people I interact with today.  All I have to do is be aware and enjoy each moment as I live it.  There is no need to worry about whether I will walk again or do all the things I imagine a perfect 62-year-old-woman should be doing.  I am the perfect me right now.  This is my life and I cherish it.

Knowing that I am living life right now, helps me be the real me.  I don't have to be concerned about what other people think of me or think of how I look because there is no explaining to do or expectations to uphold if I believe that today my life is a precious gift just as it is.  Contentment surrounds me.  All the burdens of those expectations I put on myself are gone. 

These realizations keep flooding in.  Often previously, when seeing other people, I would make judgements about the value of their lives.  Seeing an elderly, balding, hunched-over woman in therapy this week, I realized that her life is precious just the way it is.  There she was, just living her life, trying to get stronger, and was seemingly happy to be alive.  She was living her life that day and I was living mine.  There was pure joy in that fact.  No judgements or sympathies were needed.  There was no need to wonder how much longer we would live or even what our quality of life would be.  Life is such an amazing gift.  We both had life that day and that is what counts.

No amount of therapy, or books, or philosophy, or conversation could have helped me understand the meaning of my life as much as living through the past ten days.  I believe God is working in me in a mighty way and has gifted me with this new mindfulness.  I can't stop smiling.  I am living life more fully in this bed than I have ever lived it, because I finially understand that this is the moment I have.  This moment is perfect because life is such a wonderful gift--no matter what circumstances I find myself in. 

Now that I am fully aware that my life today is precious, everything is more brilliant.  The sunshine is brighter.  The flowers are lovelier.  Smiles and faces are precious.  Feelings are real and valid and okay.  My senses are suddenly heightened as life takes on a new dimension.

My life is rich and full.  I am loved deeply by many.  I can give of myself to each person I see today.  There are new lessons and insights to learn today, and then to share as well.  I can breath and think and love and do. Oh my goodness, life is good...and I am so very happy to finally be living it with joy and with appreciation and with gusto.

This is the day the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it.