When I was a newborn infant, my parents took me to the Lutheran church in Carbondale to be baptized. Ever since then my Christian faith has been an integral part of who I am.
Throughout my life there has been an ebb and flow in my faith life. I can grow complacent, never stepping away from God totally, but just kind of going along with my life, knowing He is there somewhere. Then there have been times, especially during serious illness and crises where I have been so near death and so totally unable even to pray due to my physical or emotional state, that I know He has, like the poem says--carried me--allowing me to go on.
I once had a friend tell me that she believes that we are either going forward in our faith or we are going backwards--that, as she says, there is no just standing still. After much contemplation, I now agree with her.
I find that being human, I need the Lord. That sounds simplistic enough, however there is so much to that statement, it would be difficult to even put into words how much I need the Lord. As always, however, hear I go, trying to put it into words, because words are so cathartic for me.
Just in recent weeks there have been so many things in my life to deal with, think about, allow my faith to carry me through, that I have once again learned that trusting in God when nothing makes sense is indeed the only way I continue on.
Springtime with all of its loveliness and hope turned into a challenging time I was not anticipating, beginning with the unexpected and very frightening experience of the sudden illness of my three-week-old grandson. Rushing him to the hospital through an unfamiliar city while his mommy and I prayed seemed like the longest ride of my life. Watching him have an IV started, blood draws taken and a spinal tap performed were events I had hoped I would never see on an infant, let alone on my grandchild. During those moments I thought I could not bear the pain and uncertainty of the situation. As God prevailed, the tiny child did not have a serious illness, and a couple of days in the hospital revealed only a minor, short-term problem. I lived through the event and my faith grew immensely.
Family visits, with many people arriving at once provided many loving moments and happy memories, but also some discord, that was totally unexpected. Feelings were hurt and communication shut down. I didn't think I could stand the pain I was feeling over the situation. I thought my heart would break. God, in all of His wisdom prevailed, and granted reconciliation and forgiveness and there is no joy quite like the joy that comes after one has been in such a dark place. He, and He alone provided the healing. I lived through the event and learned from it and my faith grew.
Heart concerns became an issue for me and for people I loved. We were facing potentially and scary unknown futures. My mother and I at one visit to the cardiologist were both given EKG's. Her heart was beating too fast and she was in atrial fibrillation. My heart rate was too slow with a pulse of 35, and the doctor said, "You both may need a pacemaker...and sooner rather than later." She had an angiogram unexpectedly and we both were given thirty day event monitors to help evaluate the situations. Medications were changed. My heart was breaking, and it was really breaking. I asked the Lord what He was thinking? Still with outcomes uncertain I cling to Him and follow my doctor's recommendation. I am living through the event, by grace, and my faith continues to grow.
Other health problems prevailed in my family--problems of another type which may be progressive. Oh, the uncertainty. At times I think I cannot stand it. Even though I like to avoid trite phrases, I am reminded that "one day at a time" is the only way I continue forward. To contemplate the potential future is mind-boggling otherwise. I am living and trusting today, and my faith continues to grow.
I was planning another surgery on another joint to help eliminate chronic pain. The day prior to the surgery I received a phone call that a wonderful Christian friend in my church had suffered a massive heart attack. My heart once again was breaking as I thought and prayed for him and his family. Questions I asked included, "Why Lord? How could you let this happen? Don't you know we all need our hearts if we want to keep on living? Don't you know that we have more work to do?" Well, as the days have passed, In spite of my doubting God's divine wisdom, miraculous healing is taking place for my friend. God has listened to so many prayers. My friend and his family are living through this event, and even though the road ahead is uncertain, I have no doubt that their faith continues to grow--for I know they are trusting the Lord just as I am.
So, I went in for a rather simple surgery compared to others I have had in the past, and the day could not have been more difficult. A simple anesthesia block was botched and the day became painful and frightening because a young resident did not know what she was doing and her attending physician thought it was fine teaching her to learn on me long past the time that the lesson should have stopped. "Now Lord, I had such a positive attitude going into this straight-forward procedure and it had to turn into another lesson in faith. Is there something I am just not getting that you are trying to teach me," I asked God. I am living through the healing process which seems more difficult than I expected, but I have no doubt that my faith is continuing to grow as my elbow continues to heal.
When I get in these life valleys or slumps, as I call them, I keep turning to God because, in fact, that is the only way that life makes sense. And even though my mind tells me that life really does not make sense, I keep going forward because I have faith that God is leading the way and is molding me into the person He needs me to be in the future. I believe that is what is called the peace that passes understanding. I believe that He knows me well and wants me to see that even slumps in life have a purpose. Forever they change me to be ready to help others. Without the hurts I would have no sympathy, little empathy and perhaps not even a word of compassion for other hurting souls He puts in my path.
Do you think that now, after this rocky spring and early summer, I am better prepared to help the next parent or grandparent who sees a sick infant through an emergency room crisis? Do you think I might be able to help someone in the midst of a family crisis, seeing them hurting when communication breaks down? Do you think I will have a heart for people with heart problems or others facing longterm health problems? Do you think I might be ready for the next surgery, armed with a little more knowledge of how to work with hospital staff to prevent a painful and negative experience--and maybe even be a better witness of my faith towards them?
Only God knows the answers to those questions. Only He knows if I will trust Him and use these events, along with numerous lessons before, for good, or if Iwill allow bitterness and anger to overwhelm me. He alone knows if I will perhaps remain closer to Him even when things are going well rather than gradually becoming complacent again.
I pray today that He will indeed help me take the path of hope, trust, compassion, love, and healing rather than the hopeless path of going it on my own. I pray that peace can now surround me in the midst of the remaining uncertainty. I pray that my faith is always going forward and never slipping backwards. I pray that as the remainder of the summer passes, He grants me peace and rest and happy, painfree times because I know He wants to give His children every good thing. I pray that I can rest in Him, because I am tired today.
I pray that you can rest in Him too.
His arms are big enough for us all.
