Sale ads clog the newspaper.
Holiday events are filling my social calendar.
It is the end of November...and I feel sad.
Oh, this November has been filled with stressful events it is true....but then again, isn't life, simply stated, a series of stressful events? Yes, it is a rambling writing I find myself doing this last day of November.
I am sad that the time of saying good-bye to my dear mother-in-law is officially over. She died one month ago today...peacefully leaving this life as she slept one morning.
Planning where to have the memorial, and then planning all of the details took up most of the month. My brother-in-law staying with us for a week was an amazing time of reminiscing and getting to know each other better. Seeing extended family at a lovely memorial service was so sweet and so special. Receiving love, support and care from many friends and family was a blessing. Celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday and the remembrance of my in-laws 70th wedding anniversary were touching November events. Shopping on Black Friday for a new purple Christmas dress for Elli, and then finishing up all of the holiday left-overs yesterday culminated the seemingly endless month. All of the events came and went and were acknowledged appropriately, but now it is today...and now what?
I feel so sad.
No doubt recovering from surgery during the time of bereavement has been a strain on me. Recovery is just plain hard work anymore. I don't bounce back quite so easily. And certainly cardiac concerns, stress tests, Holter monitors during this time have added stress...or...could it be...the times, the events...have created the cardiac concerns. I will see what the doctor tells me when I visit him this afternoon.
My mother-in-law lived in Florida for the past many years. I did not talk to her very often, but I knew she was there and I knew how much she meant to my family...of course...especially to her son, my husband. He talked to her several times a day. When my father-in-law died in February, it seemed that grieving was somewhat easier than it is now. Now the grieving for both of them just seems hard. I believe that they are together in heaven with their Lord. I do not grieve without hope--but oh how I grieve.
We have looked at hundreds of photos over the past weeks...photos dating back into the 1800's. Moments in time--moments in the lives of those who have gone before--shuffled around on the dining room table. Is it possible to take in so much emotion at once?
Why is it that we think just because a person had a long life and a peaceful death that it won't hurt so much when they are gone? I think we just try to convince ourselves of silly things like that in an attempt to accomodate the huge loss we feel. Maybe if we say something is not so bad, we will be able to handle things better....maybe...maybe not.
It is November. It is a gray day. The house is silent. I have many tasks I could choose to do. Instead I sit at the computer hoping to make sense of the saddness I feel.
So far, it is not working.
Oh, how I miss you Mom...
