Change

Here we are.  

Another year has almost passed.  

We have lived with a pandemic for nearly two years.

It is time to evaluate.

For me, the one constant is change.

Well yes, you say, we have all had to make many changes, especially related to the pandemic and fighting it.  Who could have imagined two years ago that such a divide could occur on thoughts and practices?  Who knew that democracy would be on the line?  Who knew how much science would be questioned?  Who knew there would be such economic upheaval?  Topics such as these certainly reflect change, however, debating, discussing, or lingering over those questions is not on my agenda today.  The change in my life is of a much more personal type.

Did I imagine as 2020 began that within months an entire family that I love could just be gone from my life?  The depth of loss is astounding.  There are days that this change is simply ignored or even denied as tasks and diversions assist me in...just not going there.  And there are days that I can hardly catch a breath when I think of the loss.  As these moments come and go, both my mind and emotions, along with memories, take over and drag me along for a bit.  Questions come and go in that place, but ultimately peace and acceptance pull me back to the everyday life I live.  

Tears flow easily these past several months.  My eight-year-old granddaughter knows when to look at my face to see if they are coming.  She knows however, that most of the time, the tears are coming because I am happy to be together and simply being very sentimental.  For, you see, the changes that have come my way have left me very aware of how precious relationships are, and how much I cherish the ones that are still intact. 

I do not take any person for granted any more.

When there is a moment of joy, I cherish it.  

When laughter comes, I literally feel it.  

As sadness creeps in, I feel it too, and let it teach me.  

As places in my heart are emptied, I learn that life can go on.

As my lifelong faith is challenged, I lean on the peace that passes understanding.

In the midst of change, I cling to the one who is unchangeable.  And quite simply that is the essence of how I continue on as not only a functional seventy-four year old lady, but as a loving, full-of-life person who literally finds joy in bringing joy, and at the same time manages to climb out of the dark places that can sideline me at times.  My relationship with Christ, in spite of unimaginable circumstances, or physical and emotional pain, keeps me going.  I also bask in the light of the relationships which are still intact, and hopefully act in a way that people can feel that essence of love and appreciation.  I move forward surrounded by people and faith that uplift me.

It is the holiday season; a time where feelings run deep.  After so many holidays, the truth my mother taught me when I was a young woman has become apparent.  The truth that, as many celebrate these winter holidays many others find it difficult to maneuver through the festivities.  Memories and emotions and reality all have to be dealt with as we celebrate traditions, faith and family.  For me there is often happiness and memories waiting to be made as I anticipate events.  Tomorrow I look forward to baking Christmas cookies with some of my grandchildren.  I can already see the mess and hear their giggles!  At the very same time I yearn for a relationship with some of my other grandchildren.  I mourn not seeing their smiles or hearing their laughter.  These feelings of joy and loss are part of this time of change in which I personally live.  Somewhere in me lives hope that change can come again and relationships can be renewed and restored.  And so the spirit of Christmas does abound in my heart and faith in miracles certainly exists!  

My writing has always been cathartic.  Also, I find joy in thinking that as my readers wander through my ramblings, they are inspired to find some bit of truth that is relatable.  As you ponder your life, and look ahead to the holidays and the upcoming year, I hope and pray that you find peace and contentment that helps you move forward each day in such a way that you can adapt to change and find acceptance in what comes.  Also, please, please cherish each person in your life!  

To quote the melody wafting through my head at the moment...."Love and joy come to you, and to you glad Christmas too.  And God bless you and send you a happy new year.  And God send you a happy new year!

Yes, I'm tearing up as I finish writing...

Hope

Pandemic Baby.  Oh that term!

So much worry.  The world askew.

Tiniest girl so sweet and new

 Bringer of hope as this grandma will learn.

 

This precious girl has just turned one!  What a year it has been for her, for me, for our family and for the world!

We waited with such joy as the year 2020 began.  Our tenth grandchild was expected to arrive in early May.  We were ecstatic with plans for this new little girl to join the family.  I was invited to be in the birthing room for her birth and we were blissfully planning a sprinkle to celebrate with friends and family.  Prior to the big day, Hubby and I were planning a cruise to Mexico and I was thankfully recovering from a rather unexpected and frightening medical situation.

By the end of January, we began hearing news of a novel virus in China.  Looking back I believe many of us thought that what was happening on the other side of the world would not, could not, impact our daily lives.  Within weeks however, watching information first on international news, then national, then statewide and finally local news, we learned that life was changing for everyone.  When our governor issued a stay-at-home order in mid-March, we complied, but were truly in disbelief at how quickly life was changing.

Questions abounded, with many of them centered on the well-being of my family living in three countries, and especially about my pregnant daughter living in the same town as me.  Where would she give birth?  Would the hospitals be safe?  Would she be alone?  Would it be safe even to go to prenatal visits?  So many questions swirled in my head about my baby and her baby, and all of my children and grandchildren.  Day by day, Hubby and I "sheltered in place" and prayed that all would be well and that everyone of us would survive this awful unknown.  

Praise be to God, little Callie was born safe and sound in a birthing center with her daddy in attendance.  Mommy, Daddy and baby came home within hours of birth.  The weeks of wondering and waiting and decision making had passed ever so slowly, but a beautiful, healthy child arrived into the family on Mother's Day weekend.  The photo above shows when we first met our littlest girl.  We could only see her through the door of her home.  My dreams of being at her birth were not meant to be.  Our desire to hold her in our arms did not come to pass for several weeks.  The months to come would not be spent together as hoped.  Our joy was full, but also bittersweet.

Her arrival into our local family began nearly a year-long effort to be together but be distanced for everyone's safety.  As we listened to the science, holidays were spent outside or in the garage with everyone wearing masks.  Baby's first Christmas was done via ZOOM while this Grandma and Grandpa sat alone in our living room.  Our pandemic efforts to be together were orchestrated with ingenuity by our oldest daughter, and her efforts towards family unity will always be appreciated!  

Little Callie grew!  Much to our surprise we learned that we could be delighted in sharing many milestones via cell phones.  At a certain point our baby girl recognized Grandpa and Grandma on that tiny screen her mommy held.  She learned our voices and we learned her little ways.  We learned to be satisfied with the simple joys of watching baby's first year in a different way.

It was with extreme joy in late January of this year that we received our vaccines. As the weeks passed, all of the adults in our family followed suit.  A year had passed since Covid had impacted our world so it was with tremendous joy that we resumed spending time together and sharing hugs and meals.  We all slowly stepped from fear and isolation into our new post-pandemic world.

I think of all the babies who were born during the pandemic, and indeed are still being born where the pandemic is yet to be under control.  Yes, they will go down in history being called pandemic babies, but perhaps more importantly they should be called babies of hope.  Our darling Callie Marie, and all the millions like her are a reminder that life goes on...even in dark times filled with struggle, changes and fear.  May these children be a blessing to us all as we watch them grow and learn in spite of adversity.  May they help us look towards the future and have hope and plan.  

May we also be a blessing to them as we impart insights we have learned through our growth during the pandemic.  As we realize how much was lost and how much we took for granted, perhaps we can have an enlightened point of view to share with our children and grandchildren.  Hopefully we can give these children a better world in which to grow.  Maybe as they teach us, we can teach them about perseverance, tolerance, acceptance and understanding.

Callie, no doubt, will be told many stories as she grows up of how we managed this year.  She will have many photos to remind her of how greatly loved and wanted she was.  She will know that love flowed in this family in spite of the unimaginable.  She will know that she was secure in her house and in her family of four even though isolation limited her experiences.  And I will make sure that she knows how her coming, at this time, for this Grandma, made all the difference in how I made it through the year.  Her darling little self helped me have purpose when things seemed quite hopeless.

Callie.  The name means beautiful.  And that's what you will always be to me.

Grandma's Baby. Oh yes, that term!

Lovely and sweet.  The world renewed.

Darling curls and personality too

Bringer of hope as this grandma learned!