Strength

My muscles are flabby and weak and old and many are even scarred.
My joints are crunchy and full of arthritis and some have been replaced.
My skin is covered with wrinkles and my hair would be gray if I let it be.

But oh, I am a very strong person.  Because I have learned, after many trials and setbacks, that one becomes strong when one is challenged and then rises to meet that challenge.  Oh how my strength is increased when I am down and out!

There is an old saying that goes something like this, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I have found that concept to be very true and I actually have learned not necessarily to welcome the trials, but when they do come, I am ready to meet them head on, knowing there is growth in character on the other side.  I have seen the positive changes that can result in my heart and soul and spirit.

I haven't always been so strong.  When the medical struggles began over twelve years ago, I used to often flounder in self-pity, pain, anxiety and depression.  I guess I had not learned how to cope because life had been so easy prior to that.

Faith in God had been easy--life was good.  Once the body started to fall apart and received hit after hit however, I got mad at God and questioned Him.  "This is not fair," I told Him.  That was one of the early lessons.  Little did I know that I had to take baby steps before real growth would occur.

When anger at God and anti-depressants didn't work, I believe spiritual maturity began as I struggled to accept that bad things happen, God's love for me is unconditional, that the difficult times do pass and that good things can come out of pain.

It took many lessons, and perhaps that is why God has allowed so many challenges along the way.  Maybe I was just a slow learner.  However eventually, after riding the emotional and physical roller coaster long enough, I did learn that there is always calm after the storm.

And not only calm, but a true sense of personal growth and maturity result.  There have been numerous extensive and serious trials for me in recent years, including the most recent hip failure event and subsequent surgery and recovery.  In the past five weeks I have suffered--but I can finally say that I am a strong person.  Living through that first week especially, proved to me that there is no doubt that I am strong.

I haven't been mad at God for a long time now.  I realized at some point how futile that idea was.  I serve a loving God.  I have watched him bring miracle after miracle of physical healing and emotional healing into my life through all the trials.  How could I ever question His wisdom when I see the person I am now?

I still shed tears on occasion.  Most often they are tears of sadness and frustration.  However, I have learned to accept the tears when they come and allow the cleansing release they provide, but then I have learned to turn them off and shut them down and go on with my life.  I was never strong enough to do that before.  Tears always used to make me seem weak.  Now they are empowering.

Well, I can tell that I am rambling on this bright sunny day.  It has been five weeks since my surgery and I have had plenty of time for thought as I recover here in my recliner.  I am grateful that the one important gift I will always carry away from this particular trial is that I am truly a strong person in so many ways. 

Thanks Lord for that gift...and thanks for seeing me through one more valley of the shadow adventure.  Thanks for holding my hand when things seemed so dark and hopeless.  Thanks for lighting my path and guiding my steps.  Thanks for being there when I woke up from that terrible nightmare.  Thanks for giving me patience when the nurses failed to come when I needed them so badly.  Thanks for being with my family so they could be with me.  Thanks for gifting doctors with skills to put me back together again.  Thanks for the absolute certainty of my faith that knowing that nothing--neither life nor death--can separate me from your love.  Thank you Lord for the weaknesses in my life that have made me the strong person I am today.  Thank you for every wrinkle and scar and creaking joint that remind me of how precious life is.

In gratefulness and expectation I look ahead at the life I have yet to live.

Loved

Oh the joy!  Oh the joy of being loved!  Nothing in life, absolutely nothing, compares to that amazing grace of being loved, which I have felt so strongly in recent weeks.  When I stop and think about it, I realize what a great privilege it is to be loved--to be that recipient of another's favor.  Purely, unconditionally loved--what a blessing and what a joy!

I suppose with all this time I have had recently to contemplate life, God has opened my heart to new understandings.  I realized the moment that my hip failed, the devastation it would bring to all who loved me...and in that instant, it became even clearer to me what a great gift love is.

When we love, we give our all, and usually with no thought of the cost.  When actually we are opening ourselves to possible pain because love entails caring so deeply, that we would put ourself in the place of the other person if possible in order for them not to feel the hurt--the pain.  Of course, in giving love, we also open ourselves to the greatest intrinsic gift life can bring, and so we love without counting the costs. 

With this deepening understanding, I have been basking in love these days as so many people have shown they cared.  What an awesome privilege to be that person who receives the love displayed in a get well card, a drawing from a child, chocolate-covered strawberries from a dear friend, rides to therapy from another friend, phone call after phone call asking "How are you doing", a hug from my Elli girl, prayers, family all around, balloons, help with bathing, facebook comments, meals to eat--well, you see, the list of love being poured out these days has been amazing...and I am truly humbled by it all. 

I ask myself then, why have I been chosen for such a high calling?  What have I ever done to deserve the love I feel being poured out from every person I know?  I suppose only God has the answers to such deep questions.  I suppose also, that He wants me to do something with the love that I have received.

And so, I send it back to each one of you, and will also continue to pass on the love you have so freely given.  I guess that's what life is all about--being honored and uplifted when receiving love and then finding those moments to give love away. 

I am indeed privileged to have each of you in my life.  Thanks!  

Life

Little did I know what enlightenment would result from yet another unexpected, horrendous medical emergency.  Little did I know how much I could learn about life--even at my age!

Eight years of hip problems did not prepare me for the events of Wednesday, May 19.  The hip, originally replaced due to arthritis, had been nothing but a nightmare ever since the beginning.  A fracture and dislocation occuring three days following surgery, set up a situation that would lead to years of hip dislocations, hip revisions and ultimately, a staph infection and a year of antibiotic treatment.  Amazingly, in spite of lots of bone loss and muscle deterioration, I was still able to walk unaided.

For the past five years my hip had been fine--until Wednesday morning when I stood up and suddently my right leg compressed, seeming three inches shorter.  I was later to find out that the hip prosthesis had broken.  The instant it happened, I realized that I faced  surgery, a hip brace, disability, pain, bedpans, hospitalization, therapy, loss of dignity and months of recovery.  In an instant my life had changed, and I was fully aware of all the implications as I phoned my daughter to call 911.

Once something happens you just go through it.  There is no other option.  I was facing transportation to the big city hospital and trusting a doctor I had never met, as the surgeon who knew me well was on his honeymoon.  Arriving at the hospital, I was presented with four major complicating aspects to my needed surgery. Issues concerning risks and potential complications were laid out.  I listened increduously.

I endured the pain of the fracture from 8:00 AM on Wednesday until blissful anesthesia at the time of surgery at 1:00 PM on Thursday.  During that time I also endured two ambulance rides, hours lying in the ER before transport,  two hours of x-rays in the middle of the night, an echocardiogram of my heart and the placement of a filter near my heart to prevent blood clots reaching my lungs.

Following surgery, I experienced chest pain and was then placed in the telemetry unit of the hospital with nursing staff who apparently knew very little about post-op orthopedic patients.  My care left much to be desired.  After several days, I was transferred to my local hospital for rehabiliatation.  I face an extended recovery and rehabilitation and life-long hip precautions, limiting movement and activity.

That's a synopsis of the facts.  But the enlightenment I experienced a few days ago is the truly amazing part of my story.  I actually feel as if I see life in a new way now.  In spite of all that has happened, I am happy.  I am content.

On my first day of therapy, the thought crossed my mind, that maybe by the end of summer I would have my life back.  Like inspiration from above however, the immediate thought that then entered my mind was "This is my life" right here and right now.  As I state it now, it sounds so obvious, but I believe it has taken me 62 + years to figure this out.

I think all of my life I have lived in anticipation of that perfect time---that perfect life---that is just around the corner.  When I was a teenager I thought that my life would be perfect once I found a husband.  Then I thought life would be perfect and fulfilled once I had children.  Always for me, I imagined that my life would be just great once I lost weight and got down to a normal size.  Thinking back, there has always been that waiting for life to be......  In the more recent years when I have lived through over thirty surgeries and hospitalizations, I would always yearn for life to be "back to normal."  I always felt that only then could I get on with my life. 

This week, on the first day of therapy, I was blessed beyond imagination to realize that this is my life today.  Life is in the here and now.  My life today consists of lying in a hospital bed and not moving from that bed without assistance.  It means having other people care for my every need.  My life today has pain as a companion and the hard physical work of therapy.  My life today has phone calls and cards and visits from people who love me.  Life in the here and now offers interactions with numerous people--family, friends, patients and staff with whom to relate.  My life is today.  No matter what is happening, this is my life.

To wait and anticipate life when I can walk again, or when I am home again, or when I can go on vacation, or when my husband retires, or when everything is in order seems to me now to be missing out on the true gift I have each day.  I will never waste the gift again, thinking of the future and placing all bets for happiness and contentment there in some mythical life. 

The peace I have found since my enlightenment includes freedom from worry.  If I am living my life today, all I have to do today is enjoy and appreciate the day and the people I interact with today.  All I have to do is be aware and enjoy each moment as I live it.  There is no need to worry about whether I will walk again or do all the things I imagine a perfect 62-year-old-woman should be doing.  I am the perfect me right now.  This is my life and I cherish it.

Knowing that I am living life right now, helps me be the real me.  I don't have to be concerned about what other people think of me or think of how I look because there is no explaining to do or expectations to uphold if I believe that today my life is a precious gift just as it is.  Contentment surrounds me.  All the burdens of those expectations I put on myself are gone. 

These realizations keep flooding in.  Often previously, when seeing other people, I would make judgements about the value of their lives.  Seeing an elderly, balding, hunched-over woman in therapy this week, I realized that her life is precious just the way it is.  There she was, just living her life, trying to get stronger, and was seemingly happy to be alive.  She was living her life that day and I was living mine.  There was pure joy in that fact.  No judgements or sympathies were needed.  There was no need to wonder how much longer we would live or even what our quality of life would be.  Life is such an amazing gift.  We both had life that day and that is what counts.

No amount of therapy, or books, or philosophy, or conversation could have helped me understand the meaning of my life as much as living through the past ten days.  I believe God is working in me in a mighty way and has gifted me with this new mindfulness.  I can't stop smiling.  I am living life more fully in this bed than I have ever lived it, because I finially understand that this is the moment I have.  This moment is perfect because life is such a wonderful gift--no matter what circumstances I find myself in. 

Now that I am fully aware that my life today is precious, everything is more brilliant.  The sunshine is brighter.  The flowers are lovelier.  Smiles and faces are precious.  Feelings are real and valid and okay.  My senses are suddenly heightened as life takes on a new dimension.

My life is rich and full.  I am loved deeply by many.  I can give of myself to each person I see today.  There are new lessons and insights to learn today, and then to share as well.  I can breath and think and love and do. Oh my goodness, life is good...and I am so very happy to finally be living it with joy and with appreciation and with gusto.

This is the day the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Perseverance

Having received the telephone call that my niece had been injured in a serious automobile accident, the shock of the news hit very hard and questions swirled in my head.  What happened?  How bad?  Will she recover?  Is her pain contolled?  Thoughts came rushing in of a little girl newly arrived in this country and of days spent watching her with her new mommy and daddy.  The words "ice' catte" came to my mind.  "Ice cream" from the mouth of the tiny Korean child were words we heard over and over as we spent days together sight-seeing in southern California.  Then tears came to my eyes as I thought of her mommy and daddy right now and how their hearts must be breaking.  I thought of a beautiful,  lively, sweet, smart, wonderful young woman just starting out in life...and the tears wouldn't stop. 

As the days passed, between talking things over with the Lord and hearing updates of Julee's condition, I began to ask myself how I could help my niece. Four hours of driving would bring me to her bedside, but what then? I realized that perhaps the best gift I could give might be some words of wisdom learned through years of surgeries and hospitalizations. Maybe my experiences could give hope and expertise which only I could give. So Julee, here goes...

As trite as it may sound, remember that "this too shall pass."  No matter how intense the current situation is, it will change and improve over time.

While in the hospital, do not hesitate to ask for anything you may need including, but not limited to: medication for pain, help in doing things, having each and every question answered, etc.

Also be sure to follow all medical advice.  There is a reason for everything.  Trust the doctors and do what they say.

It is okay to be sad and angry.  If these emotions hit, then welcome them and don't be afraid of them.  Once acknowledged, let them go as you are able.  God understands all of our feelings.  He designed us to be emotional, feeling people.

On the other hand, look for joy every day.  You may find it where you least expect it.

Allow people to minister to you.  It is a gift to let people help you.  Everyone wants to know what they can do.  It is not a burden for them to be there for you--rather a joy that helps them too.

Pain will be your companion for a while.  It is actually there to help you know how to set limits.  It is also there to make you strong.  Listen to it, but also use whatever methods you can to overcome it including medication, relaxation techniques, distractions and always, always prayer.

As you may hear over and over, "take one day at a time."  It may be overused advice, but it is definately true that sometimes, moment by moment, is the only way to keep going.

If you ever start to worry about your future, remember that none of us in any situation knows the future.  Worry is fruitless.  God will be with us whatever we have to face, so try to rest in that.  I know it is easier said than done, but try--and I will too.

Accept what your body is telling you.  If it tells you to rest, then rest.  If it tells you to eat....well, you get the picture.

Find things to laugh about.  No doubt your family and friends will be there to help you with that.  It is good too, to laugh about the things that don't go just right because, as I have learned repeatedly, it is one of the best tools to see you through.

Try not to ask "WHY?" in the philisophical sense that is.  There really is no answer as to why things happen the way they do.  This is one I have learned over many years and many times of asking why.  Now, I just don't allow myself to go there.

Keep on keepin' on.  Perhaps another overused phrase, but sound advice nonetheless.  Don't give up, even on the days you might want to.

My mantra for many years has focused on acceptance.  "It is what it is" applies to many things in life.  For me, I try to accept what is and trust that God will see me through.  I have found that it is just too easy for bitterness to grow otherwise.

And finally, even though it may be difficult to realize at this moment, understand that all you are going through is making you into the person God wants you to be.  Your experiences will open doors of understanding and empathy that you may never have cultivated in any other way.

Keep living and loving and trying and hoping....and know that your Aunt Linda loves you....along with so many, many others who are hoping and praying for your speedy and complete recovery.

Keep building.  I know you will make beautiful things.

Mother-in-Law

Dear, sweet, innovative, loving, beautiful, creative, giving, crafty, thrifty, serving, fun-loving, nurturing, thoughtful!

enjoying life...

enjoying family...

enjoying friends...

and enjoying cooking for everyone... 

I could go on and on with descriptions of Sylvia, my mother-in-law.  She loved and accepted me from the first day we met in Oak Lawn when my very specical college boyfriend brought me home to meet his parents.  And now forty years later, she is gone.  But, oh the memories we have of those years--years that might not have been.  Mom had been told, prior to my ever meeting her that she was likely not going to live a long life due to a medical condition.  I have to say that I am blessed, all of these years later, to acknowledge how glad I am that the doctors were wrong.

Thank you God for giving me a second mom for all of these years!

What would my life have been without "Mom"?  Yes, you see, I never called her Sylvia or Syl.  From very early on, I called her Mom--without hesitation.  Planning my wedding included shopping for dresses with two moms, choosing the details of the ceremony and reception with two moms, sharing the fun of several wedding showers with two moms.  This photo was taken at my wedding shower at Aunt Ethel's house.  Surrounded by my two Moms, I could not have been happier.  We were young and beautiful then and could even sit down on the floor together!


The memories come flooding in of so many times we shared. 

My mother-in-law loved to cook...or...let's see...that could be better stated...   My mother-in-law loved to show her love by feeding people.  There was never a time, even this year when we went to Florida for Dad's memorial service, that she did not put food on the table as soon as we walked into the house.  It was her way of saying, "I care."  Throughout the years she tried an endless number of recipes and made up hundreds of her own. 

Mom was always on a diet.  Yes, for the past forty years that I knew her, she was always on a diet.  When I first met her, she was a member of Weight Watchers and thus she taught me some very unique cooking methods.  Weight Watcher brownies were unique indeed!  We all fought the extra pounds off and on throughout the years--in theory at least!

When you opened Mom's refigerator, it was always full!  There were numerous containers and one never knew what she had stored in each one--even when you opened a container--there was still that question--"I wonder what mom has stored in here?"  Incredibly though, she could open several of those containers and make a marvelous meal.  Her culinary skills proved truly creative and amazingly delicious!


No story-telling of mom's culinary creativeness is complete without the story of the Thanksgiving sweet potatoes.  Mom brought the baked dish for the festive dinner and we noticed symmetrical rows of black dots across the top of the casserole.  Upon asking her about them, Mom proceeded to tell us that she had kept the Easter Peeps in the freezer and had used them as the marshmallow topping.  We realized that the black dots were the eyes of the Peeps!  I don't know how many times that story has been told, but it never ceases to make us laugh--and it never ceases to make us love Mom, and her ways, all the more.


Mom loved people.  Wherever she went throughout her life, she made many friends.  She loved doing things together with others and never hesitated in lending a helping hand or bringing a pie to share.  As I have recently sorted through many pictures from her life as a young woman, I can see how much she loved life and enjoyed her family and friends from a very early age.  She came from a large, loving, exuberant family and she always had a smile on her face.


Flea markets and antique shopping became a part of my life when I entered my husband's family.  Mom and Dad were at the height of their interest in buying and selling stuff.  I enjoyed learning the craft, but never liked the work involved with setting up and breaking down a booth at a flea market.  I admired their seemingly limitless energy and enthusiasm.  I learned alot and enjoyed the times I observed and shared in their hobby.  Mom enjoyed dolls, just as I did and she was able to teach me many things about doll collecting.  She also generously gifted me with many dolls throughout the years.


Mom enjoyed nothing better throughout her life than finding a good deal.  And I must admit that she passed that trait along to her son, my hubby, and her granddaughter, my oldest daughter.  It is a marvelous trait--to be able to use money wisely--and it benefitted the family I am sure.  Shopping at a resale shop became a fun outing and was a new experience for me. Her thriftiness was apparent as she shopped for clothing, food and gifts.  During the later years, it seemed that the thrill of the find was even more important than the ultimate financial benefit. Quite a collection of food items were eventually stored (and perhaps never used--or certainly not used within the appropriate expiration dates.)


Christmas gifts from Mom and Dad were always unique.  Ask my children about their memories.  The fun was always wondering what bargain item Grandma had found during her many outings.  The gifts created so many smiles, even though they were seldom useful or wearable by "our standards" but we all loved them nonetheless.  Mom always made sure that we all had a nice monetary gift to go along with the unique bargain gifts she had found.  She enjoyed making people happy.

In spite of warnings in recent years of the ill effects of exposure to the sun, Mom loved being outside, by the pool, getting as much sun as possible.  She wore swimsuits, shorts, tank tops and flip flops well into her nineties.  Mom's skin had a deep tan and lots of freckles once she lived in Florida.  She also loved the beach, the ocean and collecting shells.   


Mom loved her grandchildren and great-grandchildren and found so much pride in each of them.  She and Dad enjoyed being a part of the lives of the kids as much as time and place would allow.  For our kids that meant that many holidays were shared with all four grandparents as both families got along so well and loved time spent together. Now that three of the grandparents are gone, I realize even more what we all had for so many years.  All were blessed with family love and encouragement.


I began this post in early November quite soon after Mom's passing, but could not finish it until now.  Time has blessedly begun its healing process and my reflections are not filled with so much pain now--rather they are colored by this morning's January brightness.  Love and joy and happy tears fill me today as I remember with love the gift I was given when God gave me a second mom to love.

Happy New Year in heaven! I hope you and Dad are walking hand in hand today and enjoying each other as much as you were when this photo was taken many years ago.

I love you and thank you for all the love you left behind for all of us!