Strength

My muscles are flabby and weak and old and many are even scarred.
My joints are crunchy and full of arthritis and some have been replaced.
My skin is covered with wrinkles and my hair would be gray if I let it be.

But oh, I am a very strong person.  Because I have learned, after many trials and setbacks, that one becomes strong when one is challenged and then rises to meet that challenge.  Oh how my strength is increased when I am down and out!

There is an old saying that goes something like this, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I have found that concept to be very true and I actually have learned not necessarily to welcome the trials, but when they do come, I am ready to meet them head on, knowing there is growth in character on the other side.  I have seen the positive changes that can result in my heart and soul and spirit.

I haven't always been so strong.  When the medical struggles began over twelve years ago, I used to often flounder in self-pity, pain, anxiety and depression.  I guess I had not learned how to cope because life had been so easy prior to that.

Faith in God had been easy--life was good.  Once the body started to fall apart and received hit after hit however, I got mad at God and questioned Him.  "This is not fair," I told Him.  That was one of the early lessons.  Little did I know that I had to take baby steps before real growth would occur.

When anger at God and anti-depressants didn't work, I believe spiritual maturity began as I struggled to accept that bad things happen, God's love for me is unconditional, that the difficult times do pass and that good things can come out of pain.

It took many lessons, and perhaps that is why God has allowed so many challenges along the way.  Maybe I was just a slow learner.  However eventually, after riding the emotional and physical roller coaster long enough, I did learn that there is always calm after the storm.

And not only calm, but a true sense of personal growth and maturity result.  There have been numerous extensive and serious trials for me in recent years, including the most recent hip failure event and subsequent surgery and recovery.  In the past five weeks I have suffered--but I can finally say that I am a strong person.  Living through that first week especially, proved to me that there is no doubt that I am strong.

I haven't been mad at God for a long time now.  I realized at some point how futile that idea was.  I serve a loving God.  I have watched him bring miracle after miracle of physical healing and emotional healing into my life through all the trials.  How could I ever question His wisdom when I see the person I am now?

I still shed tears on occasion.  Most often they are tears of sadness and frustration.  However, I have learned to accept the tears when they come and allow the cleansing release they provide, but then I have learned to turn them off and shut them down and go on with my life.  I was never strong enough to do that before.  Tears always used to make me seem weak.  Now they are empowering.

Well, I can tell that I am rambling on this bright sunny day.  It has been five weeks since my surgery and I have had plenty of time for thought as I recover here in my recliner.  I am grateful that the one important gift I will always carry away from this particular trial is that I am truly a strong person in so many ways. 

Thanks Lord for that gift...and thanks for seeing me through one more valley of the shadow adventure.  Thanks for holding my hand when things seemed so dark and hopeless.  Thanks for lighting my path and guiding my steps.  Thanks for being there when I woke up from that terrible nightmare.  Thanks for giving me patience when the nurses failed to come when I needed them so badly.  Thanks for being with my family so they could be with me.  Thanks for gifting doctors with skills to put me back together again.  Thanks for the absolute certainty of my faith that knowing that nothing--neither life nor death--can separate me from your love.  Thank you Lord for the weaknesses in my life that have made me the strong person I am today.  Thank you for every wrinkle and scar and creaking joint that remind me of how precious life is.

In gratefulness and expectation I look ahead at the life I have yet to live.

Loved

Oh the joy!  Oh the joy of being loved!  Nothing in life, absolutely nothing, compares to that amazing grace of being loved, which I have felt so strongly in recent weeks.  When I stop and think about it, I realize what a great privilege it is to be loved--to be that recipient of another's favor.  Purely, unconditionally loved--what a blessing and what a joy!

I suppose with all this time I have had recently to contemplate life, God has opened my heart to new understandings.  I realized the moment that my hip failed, the devastation it would bring to all who loved me...and in that instant, it became even clearer to me what a great gift love is.

When we love, we give our all, and usually with no thought of the cost.  When actually we are opening ourselves to possible pain because love entails caring so deeply, that we would put ourself in the place of the other person if possible in order for them not to feel the hurt--the pain.  Of course, in giving love, we also open ourselves to the greatest intrinsic gift life can bring, and so we love without counting the costs. 

With this deepening understanding, I have been basking in love these days as so many people have shown they cared.  What an awesome privilege to be that person who receives the love displayed in a get well card, a drawing from a child, chocolate-covered strawberries from a dear friend, rides to therapy from another friend, phone call after phone call asking "How are you doing", a hug from my Elli girl, prayers, family all around, balloons, help with bathing, facebook comments, meals to eat--well, you see, the list of love being poured out these days has been amazing...and I am truly humbled by it all. 

I ask myself then, why have I been chosen for such a high calling?  What have I ever done to deserve the love I feel being poured out from every person I know?  I suppose only God has the answers to such deep questions.  I suppose also, that He wants me to do something with the love that I have received.

And so, I send it back to each one of you, and will also continue to pass on the love you have so freely given.  I guess that's what life is all about--being honored and uplifted when receiving love and then finding those moments to give love away. 

I am indeed privileged to have each of you in my life.  Thanks!