Grandmother

Almost twelve years have gone by since I became a grandmother.  My Elli girl will celebrate her birthday in just three weeks.  I remember the day she was born as if it were yesterday.  My joy at her arrival was almost surreal.  The next generation had become a reality and I took my rightful place as her happy, fulfilled and involved grandma.

Always having loved babies and young children it was an easy and joy-filled transition to grandmotherhood.  In fact my life path had led to this moment.  It had included teaching first grade, operating a home daycare and raising four children of my own.  Elli and I bonded immediately as this beautiful blue-eyed baby girl stole my heart.  Fortunately for me, she has not yet reached that time in life where spending time with grandma isn't cool. She still loves our times together and maybe will never go through a stage where she doesn't.  For now I bask in that sweet place she always sees me in and relish each conversation and activity we find ourselves in together.

Almost five years passed before another special child came into my life.  Elijah's birth, which I attended, was another incredible life moment.  My first grandson had entered the world and I was right there to greet him!  Now a sometimes serious, sometimes silly seven-year-old, he too still loves time with grandma. Unfortunately we don't live near each other anymore but nonetheless our bond is beautiful and time together is cherished and always mutually enjoyed.

Then came the years where babies abounded!  One after another in quick succession each of our four children produced offspring.  Less than two years apart Elisha and Elizabeth arrived to make Elijah a big brother.  Between those births, Megan made Elli a big sister.  Also during this time came the firstborn sons of our oldest and youngest children.  Michael and Wesley entered our lives and hearts.  Each birth was so special.  I attended the births of Megan and Wesley and in awe counted my blessings while seeing each of my daughters give birth.

Not only did the babies come quickly during the past four years, but each one, beautiful and unique stole their grandma's heart.  Now seven little darlings call me their grandma and I am over the moon happy to be there for each one.  I cherish these children.  They are so very precious.  I delight in them.  And yes, whether they live near or far away, I love them more than I could have ever imagined.

Each individual, unique in all the world.  Their little personalities shining through to delight this grandma and grandpa and their parents, our children.  I wonder what each child will become.  What will they see in their lifetime?  What will be their gifts to the world?  Who are the people each of these children will touch and influence?  It's truly amazing to ponder the potential and impact they may have.

About ten days ago we were informed that another little baby is on the way into our lives. Our eighth grandchild is due to arrive in January.  Wow, when this child arrives, we will have six grandchildren ages four and under!  Unbelievable! Another soul in the universe who in some sense belongs to us.  Awesome! Amazing! Incredible! Such a blessing for hubby and me and for all the world!

I was asked by one of my children recently which grandchild would be my favorite.  Wow, that answer was so easy.  This grandma's heart has no favorites. My love is boundless and free-flowing to each precious child.  Could I begin to compare blue eyes to brown eyes, or black curly hair to blond locks?  Never, for each is as beautiful as I ever could have imagined children could be.  Could I compare cleverness and cuteness?  Impossible, for each little person carries many traits that this grandma finds amazing, unpredictable and darling.  I can say that I truly delight in each of the seven children that came into my life like beautiful gifts.  Like jewels on a necklace, each as precious as the next.  No, there are no favorites in this heart.  Be assured dear children of mine, that no matter how many grandchildren you provide me with, they will all be cherished and loved unconditionally by this grandma.  That's the way love is.  But of course, you already knew that.

Hubby and I will soon celebrate 46 years of marriage.  As a young and happy bride I never could have imagined where our love would take us.  The journey we have walked together has had a few bumps but mostly has been blessed in so many ways.  Love for each other blossomed into love for our four beautiful children and the spouses they have chosen.  And now love, with an energy all of it's own, blossoms again as each baby is added to our family.  

And so now the bud of joy and anticipation, filled with love, waits once again for January to arrive when God will bless us with another child who will be special in all of the world to this grandma.  I pray for the safe development and arrival of this child.  I pray also for: #1, #1, #1, #1, #1, #1 and #1 who I have already cherished since the day each was born.  Yes, of course, every child is #1 in my heart and nothing will ever change the depth of my love for each of them and for each of their parents.

Filled with love, I hold little hands whenever I can.  Every day I hold eight little hearts in my heart.  Precious grandchildren of mine always know your grandma finds joy each day because you are in my life.

Condescending

Don't call me Honey.  Don't call me Sweetheart.  Unless you are a member of my family please don't call me this type of name.  Now you ask, who calls you names like that and I tell you I am speaking about members of the medical profession.  For some unknown reason, I am more and more frequently called such personal names by people I don't know and I'm tired of it.

Today as a first-time patient in an infusion center in my local hospital I was approached by a nurse who was not much younger than myself who said, "How are you today Honey?"  I almost corrected her, but thought that would only set us off on the wrong foot so I kept silent.  Instead I fumed silently.  Her over-familiarity served only to put me on edge and so my blog gets to hear my complaints tonight.

When a stranger calls me Sweetheart or Honey or any such name, it makes me feel old and it makes me feel like a child all at the same time.  Actually, I would much prefer to be called by my name and treated like a fully competent adult. These names do not serve to put me at ease or make the medical procedure I am facing any easier.

So to all you dear friends who work in the medical profession I appreciate immensely the work you do.  However, please think twice before you use familiar names with people you don't know.  Or at least, think twice before you use them with me.

Okay, I feel better now!  

Hope

The sun suddenly left the sky on that bright summer day as I answered my phone while sitting in my parked car.  The joy in my heart of an outing with my daughter and her new baby was replaced with dread.  For you see as the wee infant sat suckling next to me on one of our first shopping trips, my friend had called.  She wanted me to know that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  "I'm so so sorry", the words came from my lips, but nothing I could say mattered.  Her world had changed, and because I love her, mine had too.

All the good times we had shared for over forty years came tumbling through my heart and mind as I tried to listen to the facts she needed to tell me.  So many things had brought us to this moment in time.  Raising children, birthdays and weddings and now grandbabies...yes, the thoughts came.  The friendship of our husbands and their shared workplace dramas...yes, the thoughts came.  Eating meals and playing games and endless laughter and listening and remembering details...yes, the thoughts came.  Illnesses and surgeries and things in the medical world that just hadn't gone right for both of us...yes, the thoughts came.   The moment my friend told me her news, my heart broke just a bit.

And as is her way, she had even delayed giving me her news.  She would have called the week before but she did not want to disturb my family reunion.  Yes, that's the kind of friend she is.  That caring more about someone else than herself kind of friend...

"Life just isn't fair."  "Everything happens for a reason."  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Well, well, well...none of these commonly heard phrases seemed to mean a thing in that moment.  For all I wanted was for my friend to be well and to be my friend for the rest of my life.  

In the days that have passed, life has gone on the way life does.  Surgery has been endured for her and recovery has begun.  And soon additional treatments will begin for my friend as she enters the door of the oncologist office.  Healing will continue I pray.

And so my thoughts each day go out to you my dear dear friend...good and healing thoughts, along with prayers for strength and patience and wisdom and hope. May you find joyful little times in your day when you least expect to find them.  May the strength you have always had be continually present so you can draw on it.  May you be able to laugh at things that you would typically cry over. May your garden be a place to gather yourself and also simply relax in beauty. May your grandsons be a continual source of wonderment and pride.  May any fears be fleeting. May your family and friends know just what to say and do to make you feel loved and not burdened.  May you persevere as the treatments you need heal your body.  May giggles bubble up from some unknown place just to surprise you.  May you find that spiritual source of all goodness to carry you through in the hard moments. And may the sunshine and joy that were stripped from you the moment you heard the word cancer, be fully restored in ways you never could have imagined.

Yes, I am sorry that you are in this place, but know that I am here for you in any way you need me to be here for you.  My heart is in this place with you.  In gratitude and in love and hope, I'm glad that we are friends.

 

Fullness

Love came round one foggy night in May and brought a beautiful baby boy into my world. Just look at that little face!  I took the photo while holding him for the very first time and still find so much joy remembering that night...the night I met Wesley Paul, my seventh grandchild.

The first child of my youngest daughter was welcomed by so many family members. Family on both sides eagerly celebrated the announcement of his anticipated birth, shortly after his parent's cruise vacation.  We all celebrated the announcement that the child was male and then a few weeks later we celebrated when we knew the name his parents had selected for him.  Two beautiful baby showers provided more diapers and clothing than one child could ever use.  Nine months of wishing and hoping and praying that all would go well when the time came for his birth were spent in eager anticipation. 

The weeks prior to his birth found Hubby and me in the midst of a major life change. Having sold our Florida home, packed up all of our belongings, we headed home to Illinois to begin a major remodeling project.  It was a stressful time of our own doing but it became a special time also for us to spend with our daughter, Wesley's almost full-term mommy.  The days came and went and a lot of quality moments remain in our hearts in spite of the physical chaos around us.  The day prior to his birth, the three of us put together a fireplace cabinet.  The pregnant mommy and her dad worked together to accomplish the task while I read the directions.  It was one of those moments we will undoubtedly always remember.

My daughter had asked me to be present at the birth of her child.  I was overwhelmingly grateful for this opportunity and will forever cherish that day in May when I was present to witness the glorious natural unmedicated childbirth of this precious healthy baby boy.  

The day began with me driving my girl through rainy rush hour traffic to a scheduled prenatal visit at her midwife's office typically one hour away.  On this day, it took over two hours due to congested Chicago traffic.  Every five minutes, on the 5's and on the 0's, Wesley's mommy had a contraction.  It was an exciting drive as I was sure she was in actual labor.  Once at the office we received the anticipated news that she was dilated to four centimeters.  We were told to go get lunch and walk at the mall and so we did.

Amazingly the world kept spinning and shoppers kept shopping as we walked around the suburban mall fully aware that the birth of our darling child was imminent.  The intensity of my daughter's contractions increased and after Wesley's daddy arrived the three of us continued our vigil.  No doubt we garnered a bit of attention from other mall-goers.  By mid-afternoon it was decided that we should head to the hospital, probably much to the relief of mall security.

The hours from three to eleven thirty, when Wesley was born, will always seem like a special dream to me.  I witnessed the beauty of normal healthy labor managed by a husband and wife, devoted to each other and the path of natural childbirth they had chosen.  It was amazing and beautiful to witness and will always remain as a highlight of my life.  To Wesley's mommy and daddy, I say thank you for allowing me to share in this sacred time.  You were awesome together in bringing your child into the world!

Since that day, eight weeks ago, we have shared much more.  The early home from the hospital days seem a blur as decisions were made and new parents became "hands on" parents.  Extended family have come and gone for a family reunion.  Breastfeeding and walks in the stroller are becoming routine as the new little family of three learns about all the give and take of welcoming a new tiny member into their household.

This grandma, in spite of all that's going on in my personal life, basks in the beauty and fullness of the circle of life.  Each child, an extension of the families from which it comes, adds so much to the world. Bringing the heritage and legacy of his ancestors, he faces the world and with the loving help and guidance of his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles he becomes the person he is meant to be. 

And so I look forward with joy and anticipation to see what Wesley Paul will become in this world and I pray that life will be loving and gentle to him now when he is so small.  I also pray for the world that it will become more loving and gentle as well.  Blessings little boy as you grow and learn. I hope you always know that Grandma's arms will be open and waiting for you.

Goodbyes

Nameless Teddy, Elkie and Michael's blue hat sat on my steps one day not so long ago.  I snapped the photo as it reminded me that a special child was abiding in my house and I wanted to remember our time together.  

Days passed by so very quickly during his visit.  There was so much activity as Michael and his mommy and daddy (my son) came and went and most of all, shared themselves with us.  Great conversations flowed, advice was given and received, laughter and thoughts were shared as we joined together for our annual coming together. Other family members also rekindled relationships as children and adults gathered for a long-planned family reunion. The newest member of the family, Mr. W., just weeks old, took center stage as we once again gathered around the table and opened our hearts to each other.

Michael, owner of the items pictured above, became the center of my world during the time that he was here. Almost three, beautiful and smart, I embraced the amazing child he had become.  I found joy in his every action.  His little voice and remarkable language skills added so much to my life.  I enjoyed watching him play and loved playing with him.  I loved having him fall asleep on my lap.  I enjoyed being reminded of his daddy at this age.  His every wish was my command.  Yes, of course, I spoiled him and loved him every single minute he was in my house.

I've been reflective since Michael and his mommy and daddy left.  But, I cherish the time we had together and look forward to the continued love we will share through the years ahead.  I know I will feel their love time and time again as we skype and make plans for future visits and maybe even adventures together.  I feel their love whenever I think of them and I believe they feel the same about me.  In my goodbye to them there was hope, knowing our separation was only temporary.  

Love is so amazing, so profound.  It allows us to experience and understand every other emotion.  Love reflects love.  It is the presence of all good things and in that, it allows us to understand why we need each other.  Love is the reason my goodbye to Michael hurt so much.  It is the price I pay to have him and every other person I care about in my life.  The fullness of love is complete only when we realize the price we pay to willingly open ourselves to all the goodbyes in life.  

I know too that a little boy living in a faraway country has just a little bit of his grandma in him as he goes about his busy day.  I know also that this grandma has a little different and fuller look at life because she carries new memories of this little boy in her heart.  Our love transcends time and space.  And I'm oh so glad for that.


Towards the end of our visit when I told Michael I would be so sad to see him go that I might even cry, he told me repeatedly, "Don't be sad Grandma.  Don't cry. Be happy Grandma".  

And so the time came that we drove to the airport and said our goodbyes.  I am trying to be happy now Michael.  Thank you for being you and for coming for a visit.  Thank you for your words of encouragement and for loving me.

Serenity

Nearly two years ago Hubby and I visited England for the first time.  As we traveled about London we often saw the phrase, "Keep Calm and Carry On". This phrase, coined during WWII, has now become a great slogan to be placed on British souvenirs.  Shortly following my return from Europe, my good friend gave me the above pictured cup.  It was in pristine condition when I received it even though it had been purchased by her at a garage sale.  I have used it for my morning coffee ever since.  Each day it reminds me of my friend Linda, my trip to London and Paris and most importantly it reminds me to keep calm and carry on.

As you may note from the photo, the cup is no longer pristine.  In my mind, the fact that it serves me coffee and motivation each day in it's current state only enhances the message.  Perhaps now that the cup is battle scarred, it's true worth becomes known.  I could easily replace this cup and dump it in the trash but I dearly love it and will continue to use it until it falls apart completely and can no longer hold my coffee.  For you see, now it is more than a cup, it is a symbol.

The red cup each morning helps to set me on a good path for the day.  It motivates me by the gentle reminder that serenity wins every time over chaos or agitation. 

Currently we are in the midst of having our entire house painted and new flooring put in to replace the worn floor coverings we have used for many years.  Several contractors are coming in and out of our front door day in and day out. All of our belongings are packed up.  Nothing in the house is where it should be.  And of course things are dirty and messy.  This all is a true test for Hubby and me who crave order in our everyday lives.  Each morning though, throughout these messy weeks, I have my red cup to remind me to choose joy, to keep on going, to be persistent in finding the good in each circumstance.  And in this case, I can look ahead to the beauty I will be able to enjoy for many years. Out of this chaos comes order, beauty and satisfaction.

Of course the chaos I may feel over home renovations is nothing compared to the chaos of more difficult times.  Times when health issues rear their ugly heads....  Times when relationships are out of whack....  Times when loss and change seem unbearable....these are the times when learning to choose to keep calm and carry can actually change one for the better.  And as I have seen, in many cases, good does triumph often as we learn to yield to the character building that those hard times force us into.  

For me the slogan on the cracked red cup is a reminder of a truth I learned very early in life.  It's roots for me are in the Bible and in my Christian upbringing.  I learned how to keep calm and carry on long ago when I learned about Jesus.  And now, in the mature version of myself, perhaps I grab on to things like this silly cup because I need reminders that center me and motivate me to be the person I was always meant to be.  I yearn to know that I am still able to choose hope, even when times are their darkest.

Thanks Linda for the red cup.  Let's both keep on going each day remembering the message of hope and encouragement it brings.

Granddaughter

I have grandchildren who are living in my house. These children, living so close by, know me well and I know them.  We have a day to day rapport which runs deep.  I am able to delight in who they are as I know them so very well.  They will soon move a few miles away when their new house is ready but we will remain close and I will share in their lives as they grow to adulthood.  I will also be blessed to live in the same town with their new little cousin when he is born in just a couple of months.  I can't wait to enjoy those days of holding a newborn and then, as the years pass, truly knowing and enjoying this child is he grows and develops..

I also have grandchildren who live far away.  I only get a peek into their lives once in awhile. Recently I was blessed to spend two weeks with my youngest granddaughter and her two big brothers.

My little twenty month old toddler was shy at first, but a storybook soon enticed her onto my lap. Her warm little body and curly head were delicious to this grandma who had only known her as a baby. Now, going on two, this child had a real personality and I enjoyed each moment of getting acquainted.

Tenderhearted, sweet, gentle, beautiful, shy, smart, clever, darling, enchanting are all words which describe my little girl, Very quiet at first, I thought she had acquired little language but I was soon to be amazed that she could say almost anything she wanted. She made her thoughts and wishes known in a household of rough and tumble brothers, and even held the upper hand at times.

We bonded during our time together over toys and dolls, puzzles and books.  We bonded too sharing nursery songs.  This grandma sang and sang and also shared nursery videos on her phone.  "This Little Piggy" and "The Wheels on the Bus" helped connect the generations.  Her mommy was amazed at how much her baby learned from these songs. We had a great time and especially enjoyed those hours when we were alone together while big brothers were at school and mommy was at the gym. My baby got to know me and I got to know her.  

My little girl called me "Grandpa" which was yet another new name for this grandma. Believe me, I loved the name because it came from the lips of my darling little baby girl who I now knew just a little bit better.

I was indeed glad that my visit lasted over two weeks, because enough time passed that I got to see her true personality reveal itself.  But alas, the time was too short and "Grandpa and Grandpa" were on their way to new adventures and saying goodbye was indeed difficult. Now time and space separate us until the next reunion. My little girl will grow and change before we are together again, but hopefully a little bit of me remains with her and she knows how much I love her.

I cherish those moments we had together.  It's amazing how much a grandma's heart can hold!

Hearts

Two years ago I began a Pandora travel bracelet.  My first charm, the Eiffel Tower, was delightedly and unexpectedly found at a store next to The Louvre.  I had been dreaming of starting the bracelet to help me remember my travels, and was thus excited to find charm number one.  As time went by, it was lots of fun for both hubby and me to search for each Pandora store as we traveled from place to place.  It was not long and the bracelet was nearly filled.  The charm in the middle was purchased at Water Tower Place in Chicago and indicates our home base. On either side, there are two heart-shaped charms symbolizing hubby and myself.  Engraved on the back are the words, "I love traveling the world with you".  These were purchased on Grand Bahama Island after a scary medical crisis on a cruise ship.

I truly enjoy my Pandora bracelet.  Recently, after spending two weeks with my little three-year-old grandson, I love it even more for it will always remind me of him.

This little boy's name begins with the letter E and I will gladly tell you that he is energetic, exuberant and also exceptionally beautiful, loving and playful.  Being a middle child, he has especially loved the attention that this grandma has always enjoyed giving.  He is the baby who would run up to me waiting to be picked up and held every time I saw him.  He is the toddler who snuggled in bed with grandma when his new baby sister was born and mommy and daddy were not home.  He is the little boy who now sits on my lap with a storybook for us to share.  This child is often on the move, and thus when he stops for time with grandma, it is very special.

His family recently moved some distance from us and I hadn't seen him for six months.  When we arrived late one evening, his bright smile greeted me even though time and distance had separated us.  Day by day passed and we got to know each other again. 

One day I wore my bracelet.  As you can imagine, my little grandson was very intrigued by it and he began looking at all the charms.  I thought he would be interested in the London bus, or the camel from Dubai, or maybe the teeny cruise ship.  But, he focused on the two hearts and inquired about them.  I told him that the two hearts were for Grandma and Grandpa.  

Then my little boy said, "Where's my heart Grandma?"

He stopped me in my tracks.  What a profound question from a little tiny boy? It made me think of how much love has flowed between us in just three and a half short years.  I thought of his mischievous face that always, always has a huge smile on it.  I thought of the first day I met him.  He was so small and cuddly and I fell instantly in love.  And now when I least expected it, my little guy had proven to be a philosopher too! 

I know this grandma is getting carried away with emotion now.  But oh the love there is to be shared between grandparents and their grandchildren.  Each child is so unique, with all the potential to grow and learn and become.  I was so blessed that day by this little guy and I will never forget the special moments, like the one described above, that remind us of the loving bond we share.

Dear little boy, you asked, "Where is my heart Grandma?"  And of course, your grandma says to you, "I carry your heart in my heart, where it will stay forever!"