Appreciation

Heading off for a Caribbean cruise with Hubby and my dear cousins, all the world seemed glorious. We excitedly posed for our boarding photo, located our staterooms, purchased our first yummy tropical drinks, attended the muster drill and then set sail.  All seemed right.  We did not have a care in the world.  The four of us were looking forward to four days together and time to enjoy the fun and sun of the Bahamas.

In moments like those described above, I honestly thought I did not have a care in the world. Life was very good.

Shortly after leaving the port, I felt queasy.  Even though the water was quite choppy it is unusual for this seasoned cruiser to be impacted by sea-sickness.  In just a few brief moments, after heading towards my room and only making it to the steps near the elevators, I fainted.  It sounds simple but actually as reality was melting out of reach it was a very frightening experience.  I knew I was losing control and thankfully sat down rather than fall. I awoke to Hubby holding my head and calling, "Come back to me". 

Nothing had ever felt like that before.  Through all the surgeries I have endured there is always that moment when anesthesia blissfully takes me away.  But those events were all planned and the lack of consciousness was a blessing indeed.  This event was not planned! How could it invade my "very good" frame of mind?

The moment I came back to reality was like awakening into a new world.  I was so amazingly grateful to be alive and waited patiently for help to come.  Blessedly the Lord provided a fellow passenger, an amazing nurse and a competent doctor to come to my aid. Apparently "the event" had been precipitated by a fall in my blood pressure and was not related to some life-threatening problem like a heart attack or stroke.

Of course, as Hubby held my head he did not know that this was not the last time he would see me alive.  Nor did I.

"The event" made the remainder of the cruise almost surreal.  Every moment in the sun on a gorgeous beach, or at the man-made marvel of Atlantis or enjoying the fun and games and good food on the ship was like a special gift for us.  Life was no longer just "very good" for now it was a true gift, a marvelous present for which to be grateful.  Life was incredible!  The joy we shared was immense and nothing was taken for granted.   Nothing!

On the other hand, without talking about it, Hubby and I both went through a lot of soul-searching.  We constantly thought what it might be like not to have each other.  What it might be like for our children to not have one parent.  What it might be like for my mother. What it might be like for all of our dear family and friends in Illinois and Florida and so many other places.  And we thought of our six little grandchildren and the grandchildren yet to be born.  The thoughts brought awareness and joy and gratefulness and a realization that life is good and life is precious.  It also reminded us of how very special each of these people in our lives is to us.

My life is precious to me and to many, but in that moment when I thought it could all be gone I realized I was still in God's hands.  I am so very grateful that He gave me more days on earth to enjoy. However, when that moment comes that my days on earth are gone, I am still His and the peace that passes understanding pervades my being.  I go forward each day in that security.  

I hope that you appreciate the life you have today.  Enjoy.  Love.  Feel.  Reach. Sense. Encourage.   Forgive.  Dance.  Embrace.  Cheer.  Laugh.  Share.  Imagine.  Celebrate. Enlighten.  Remember.  Try.  Live, really live.  Be present in the moment.  Life is a glorious gift!  Appreciate it! 

Calendar

Much to the chagrin of my children, I like to keep certain things.  As a matter of fact under my bed in a box I have calendars dating back over thirty years. Each one tells a little story of our life.

Every new year I unwrap a new wall calendar and as the days come and go, I fill the squares on each calendar with doctor and dental appointments, family and personal activities and of course mark the days when visitors are coming or we are heading on a trip or down to our Florida home.  

Now that we have been retired for many years one would think we would have many "empty" days on each month's page, but in fact, the opposite is true.  We have an abundance of activities to keep us busy.

This year has been no exception...and it is just half over!

The spring and early summer of 2015 will go down in our history as one filled with many visitors, one extra family living with us, along with new medical dramas unfolding in the background.

Calendars!  Yes they chronicle the life I am living.  I'm older and I tire more easily, but finding each day a gift and living it fully makes life exciting, unpredictable and amazing.

Time goes by and Hubby and I will soon be heading back to Florida and then be off on another cruise. These are the fun years of retirement and as long as we are healthy and able-bodied we will keep on traveling.  However, even as we think of the excitement and new worlds to discover, I relish all the memories I have made this summer.

As I glance back over the days that have come and gone this year I have already stored in my memory:  

   making birthday cakes & celebrating life's special occasions with people coming together.
   reconnecting with my little "far-away" grandbaby who calls me BuggaBugga.
   loving two little girls running around my house and the endless snuggles and kisses.
   showing off Chicago and enjoying the city anew.
   having all four of my children under one roof.
   planning new adventures on land and sea.
   enjoying another trip with the girlfriends I have known forever.
   appreciating the uniqueness and abilities of each of my children and their spouses.
   experiencing exciting house-hunting adventures.
   creating new memories with family who live faraway but touch our lives for a few days.
   trusting that doctors know their stuff, and completing my Medical Misadventure story.
   enduring unexpected good-byes with tears that can't be stopped.
   knowing that flowers and storms are part of life.

Oh, so many memories in six short months!  I praise God that my life is so full and so good and so interesting, but most of all I am grateful for each person I know and for their unique ability to touch and enrich my life.

The calendar is my friend.  It reminds me of where I have been, who I have been with and all the good times and hard times that I have lived through.  And it reminds me that I can keep on going, looking forward to the blank pages ahead just waiting to be filled and remembering the full pages which remind me of where I have been and why I am the person I am today.

May each of your calendar days be full and happy and worth remembering.



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Farewell

Oh the good times...what fun!  The people in my life are so precious to me. There is no other way to express how I feel about each of them.  I love the times that several of us gather together and I also love the one on one times as well.  Friends, and of course, my dear family, are the reason my life is so rich.   I love with all of my heart and I am blessed that God continues to fill my days with people who love being with me.  Smiles and tears, hopes and fears when shared with someone who care, are indeed priceless.  

Five years ago I didn't know any of the people in the photo above, other than Hubby of course.  I thought my family and long time friends, some reaching back to childhood, completely filled my heart.  How then, do I find room for all the people I now know in Florida?  How is it that so many new people can fit into my heart?  It is just quite amazing wouldn't you say?

As wonderful as relationships can be, now today the time has come to say good-bye. Hugs have been shared. Time and distance will separate us as Hubby and I head to the airport and transportation to all the good times waiting in our northern home.

Saying goodbye is oftentimes bittersweet. I plan to see all of these dear folks again as I travel back and forth.  So why then is it so difficult to say good-bye? I suppose the answer may be two-fold.  Not seeing dear ones day by day causes a definite loss even though phones and computers help keep us connected. Secondly, I know that it reminds me that the time will come when I say good-bye to someone for the final time.  As I have learned, living in a senior community, this may indeed happen and happen unexpectedly. 

I suppose saying good-bye to Virginia just last week makes me think twice as I say my farewells today.  Do you think she knew when she left the card table that night that she would never see me again?  Do you think her gentle sweet spirit connected with mine for just a moment as she placed her hand on my cheek and gave me an endearing look when she said good-night?  

I have lost eight of my Florida friends in the past five years and so when I leave my good-bye always says so much more than just so long...It says...

...I hope I will see you again.
...I always smile when I think of you.
...You are important to me.
...My life has more meaning because of you.
...Please take good care of yourself.
...I will never forget you.
...Thank you for being you.
...You are in my prayers.
...I love you.

I am heading home to hellos and hugs and kisses from my family and especially from these little girls.  I am grateful for my two-part life.  It is indeed rich!  I am blessed to have my two worlds and as long as I have so many people to love I am going to keep on loving when we are together and when we are apart.  And some day when we say that ultimate good-bye the joy we shared will far outweigh the pain of loss we must experience.

Good-bye, until we meet again.

Agoo

Every newborn is an absolute miracle!  The delicate pure skin, the eyes that can search your soul and the first sounds of communication are always amazing. Even though I have observed many babies before, I am in awe around newborns.

When the newborn happens to be my grandchild, the love immediately flows between us.  And this was the case when I met my fifth grandchild, Michael. In total joy, I gazed at him and marveled at the perfection.  Having traveled some 7000 miles to see him, I thanked God for this beautiful gift of life...and for another addition to our family.  

During the normal process of development, somewhere in the second to third months of life, Michael began to say, "agoo."  Now, I know that every baby, everywhere in the world says agoo, but what made this sound so special to me was the delight it elicited in his parents.  

Michael's parents were indeed happy and proud to tell me how he could make the sound with different intonations.  Indeed, during his recent visits, he said the word often and we all laughed, mimicked the sound and cheered him on with his communications skills.

I was taken back to 1976 when I was a first-time mother.  I remember the pure joy of each day I felt with my child (Michael's daddy).  Every detail, every feature of this little creature was the focus of my entire waking time.  The shape of his mouth, eyes and ears were detailed in my mind as I stared and stared at this little person in my arms.  I was fascinated too with his early language--agoos with many different tones.  Although tired and sleep-deprived, I was convinced that my child was truly the most amazing thing in the world. 

There is such a freshness in parenthood with the first child!  I enjoyed immensely watching Michael's parents enjoy him, just as I happily reflected on my memories of being a young parent.

The memories of my children saying agoo brought a smile to my face as little Michael visited us and frequently "talked" to us.  It made me remember how special that little sound is.  

Yes, I think Michael is just perfect.  I understand him well.  His agoo means:

     I love you.
     
       Thank you for taking care of me.

     Thanks for being patient with me.

     Thanks for loving me unconditionally.

     Thank you for feeding me, wiping my face, laying me down, picking me up,         changing my clothes, putting my hat on, taking my hat off, changing my           diaper, bathing me, keeping me warm, keeping me cool, singing me                   songs, and so much more. 

Yes, I will miss Michael's language now that he has gone back home, but I think I will forever remember the great discussions we had in the very early months of his life.

Mister Michael, Grandma promises to listen to you always...whether you speak in words or not.  I love you!

Friendship

Amazingly the tears dropped from my eyelids once the right question was asked.  Totally sheltered by the circle of friends who knew everything about me for some thirty-five years, i cried.  The round table at Panera's became my safe place on a Saturday morning.

Friendship is one of life's most amazing gifts!  The people who choose to know me, accept me, love me and encourage me are priceless, and in fact I can't imagine my life without them.

When I began crying in the restaurant, my five friends gathered at the table with me needed no explanation.  They had been walking hand in hand with me for decades and knew the depth of my distress, the source of my anxiety and the challenges I face without my having to go into detail.  Knowing the entire person is one of the best features of true friendship.  No pretense is needed.  No phony smiles are required.  To be oneself, totally vulnerable, and yet totally sheltered in the arms of another, is the essence of friendship.

Of course, friendship is also tremendous when things are going just great too!  The smiles, the stories, the laughter, the shared memories are precious and indeed carry me along through life.  And the longer we live, the more memories there are to keep us going and I find that I treasure these precious girlfriends more than ever and I cherish my time with them.

Pictured above are the dear girls who shared the table at Panera's with me.  They along with other special women have known me for a long time.  Pictured below is my childhood girlfriend and although we have only seen each other twice as adults, the moment we are together we are profoundly connected and still share many common interests. 

I am also blessed to have new girlfriends when I winter in Florida.  Although I have not known them nearly as long, we already have a kinship.  It seems that women just know how to care about each other.  In that caring, which seems to come so naturally, is an intensity that touches the soul.

The lyrics of the song I learned as a Brownie Girl Scout come to mind often:  Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other gold. I find the song to be so true and I find that each of my friends, old or new, add such a wealth to my life.  They are indeed a priceless treasure.

And so to each of you girls, and you know who you are, I extend so much gratitude that you cannot even hold it all. I am sending it to you each time we write, each time we talk and each time we see each other so you will never ever be empty.  You will know that I am there for you when life is good or when life is tragic.  I love you for being you...and I love you for knowing me!

Perspective

When I was a young girl growing up in a loving family, I thought that 65 sounded very very old.  Now that I am 65 I think it sounds pretty young.

When I was young I thought that 90 sounded ancient and almost unachievable by most people.  Now that my mother is 90, I realize it is attainable and indeed marvelous to comprehend that I too could reach that age.

Perspectives change.

I find it interesting to think of how my children see me now through the eyes of young adults aged 23 through 37. 

Most of the time we are good friends and age is seemingly not important although there might be some joking about age now and then.  We seem to enjoy each other and I relate pretty well to each of these four special people and the four additional people who they have come to love.

What I find, now that I am Social Security age, is that on occasion one or another of my offspring uses the word, "should" when speaking to me and I know that their advice is coming to me whether asked for or not.  It is on these occasions that I say a silent prayer asking for patience.

You see, I feel that I still have all my faculties intact and therefore I do not need lessons on what food I should have in my kitchen or how I should feel about this or that.  I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and thus I usually bristle inside when I find myself in this situation.  My defensive attitude rises and I begin to think that my children see me as old and addled.  

Once I can reflect on comments I often try to disassociate who told me what to do and think on whether the advice was sound or not.  It is indeed an effort for me to do this silent evaluation but it is worthwhile.  Often I realize I raised smart, caring kids and their thoughtful analysis is correct or at least worth consideration.

My response gives me an idea of how my mother must feel now when I tell her to wear her boots in the snow or use her cane.  My comments generally come from a good place in my heart and I am concerned with her safety, but perhaps she feels as I do when my kids use the "You should" approach with me.

Ultimately I suppose that I could just relax on receiving advice from my children and giving advice to my mother.  I guess there is nothing wrong with sound information flowing from generation to generation as long as the suggestions are given in love.

Perspectives change--for all of us--and I suppose my children are not too old to also take a few "You should"s from me once in a while too.

Sunshine

Have you ever experienced one of those moments when you felt as if sunshine was pouring into your heart?  Happiness then overflowing to all of your senses, your day continued in a glorious haze of light and joy.

Yesterday was such a day for me.  

Everything I did, mundane or otherwise, caused giggles in my soul.  The joy I was experiencing rubbed off on each person with whom I communicated.  One of my friends even suggested that God was spoiling me.  I happily agreed and accepted that I have been truly blessed.

Such exquisite days help me have hope.  Such golden days keep me going when times can be a bit difficult or when pain undermines the sublime that would fill my heart.  

My computer screen transported me somewhere over the rainbow yesterday and I am filled with color and love and amazement and gratitude.

May tomorrow be such a day for you.